THE Court and City Figaries OF BOTH SEXES.
I SHALL begin with a remarkable Paſſage that happen'd very lately; which I hope may ſerve by Way of Caution to all young Ladies, who are induſtriouſly ſearching out the Knowledge of Ill, with a pious Deſign to avoid it.
Aminda and Ciladira, two very handſome, well-bred, religious, young Women, of the firſt Rank in the City; I'll aſſure you, Ladies of the niceſt Reputation, which may be obſerv'd in their grave Looks and ſedate Behaviours, and I believe may juſtly deſerve the Character of Women of Honour. They are kept under great Reſtraints by their Parents; which, with a natural6 Deſire of adding new Conqueſts to a Crowd of Admirers, has put them upon an Humour of regaling themſelves in private, and, as often as Opportunity ſerves, to go in Search of Adventures, by Way of Amuſement; which Diverſions they have follow'd for ſome Time, with great Succeſs, both at Home and Abroad, and never fail to return victorious. This has encourag'd 'em to proceed with greater Reſolution than ever, being obſtinately opinionated of their own Conduct.
Theſe Ladies are pretty often ſeen at Hide-Park, under the Cuſtody of Ciladira's Mother; but one Day having got the Coach to themſelves, the Weather being extream pleaſant, were reſolv'd not to loſe Time and Opportunity, but gave Orders forthwith to be ſet down at a Relation's in Weſtminſter; where, after a ſhort Viſit, they diſmiſs'd the Coach, with a Meſſage, that they were oblig'd to ſtay there at Supper, and ſhould take a Hack to come Home. They had another Excuſe as ready to the Lady of the Houſe, for taking Leave in ſuch Haſte; and accordingly make the beſt of their Way for St. James's-Park, where they had not been long, before they had the Pleaſure to find their Beauty attract all Eyes; and no Doubt but they heard a great many Sighs and Whiſpers, as7 they mov'd thro' the gazing Crowd of Beaux that flutter'd around 'em: All which paſs'd for good Omens, tho' as yet none durſt aſſume the Courage to attack 'em. At laſt, one more daring than the reſt, draws near, keeps Pace, curiouſly ſurveys and attends their Motions. They took the Hint, views him as ſtrictly, and by his Garb, Air, and Deportment, eaſily perceiv'd him, as they imagin'd, to be of Quality. He had not waited long for an Opportunity to introduce his Diſcourſe, before one offers it ſelf; which was, to reſolve ſomething they were diſputing on. The Ladies being bent on a Frolick, if they lik'd the Perſon that ſhould make an Attempt, were not very hard of Acceſs, and eſpecially to ſo fine a Gentleman as this, endeavour'd to make themſelves as pleaſing and agreeable as poſſible. The Hero is ſo abſolutely charm'd with their Appearance and Converſation, that he believes himſelf no longer on Earth; Or rather, ſaid he, theſe are real Goddeſſes, deſcended from their Celeſtial Habitations, not only to dazzle the Eyes, and inflame the Hearts, but to puniſh all with Death, who have the daring Impudence to approach' em. And being now darkiſh, claps down on his Knees, cloſes his Hands, and implores Pardon for his ſacrilegious Attempt. The8 Girls, ſeeing themſelves thus idoliz'd, began to think there was ſomething in it. Immediately one fancies ſhe is Diana, and the other Pallas; but upon farther Reflexion, found they had Reaſon to confeſs themſelves meer Mortals, and ſubject to Human Frailties; as indeed it prov'd in the Concluſion. Damon was very difficultly brought to believe they were ſo: But however, finding his Company did not diſpleaſe, ventures from one Degree to another, to come to a better Underſtanding with them. He knew the World throughly, or at leaſt the baſer Part; and eaſily judg'd who he had to deal with. Their Innocence and Rank, were viſible in their Perſons and Behaviours; ſo that he needs not make much Search into that, but took Opportunity, on all Occaſions, to let them underſtand his Quality, as in this Manner; We were a great many Noblemen at Dinner with the Duke of — to Day; and when any Body anſwer'd him, it was, My Lord, ſays he, or your Lordſhip may command me on all Occaſions, and ſo on, with a great many very entertaining Stories. After ſome Time ſpent thus agreeably, the Ladies were oblig'd to think of returning Home. Damon eagerly preſſes for the Honour to hand 'em into their Coach. They anſwer'd, that was already diſmiſs'd, and9 ſhould therefore ſpare him that unneceſſary Trouble. He then offers 'em his Chariot and Equipage that waited; and to compleat the Victory, he declar'd Aminda had gain'd over his Heart, and that he himſelf would attend at her Chariot Wheels. This great Complement and Condeſcention, in a Perſon of this Diſtinction, ſerv'd to encreaſe that good Opinion and Eſteem ſhe had already receiv'd of him. However, this Offer could not be accepted, for ſeveral Reaſons, which he ſuffer'd himſelf to be convinc'd of; but ſtill perſiſted in his Deſign of conducting them ſafe Home, and pretended he muſt ſtep on one Side, and leave Orders with his Servants where to wait on him afterwards. He was no ſooner gone, but Aminda began to extol his Perſon and extraordinary Qualifications, to the higheſt Degree imaginable, and ſaid ſhe found ſo much Difference between the Converſation of a Man of Quality, and that of a private Gentleman, that indeed ſhe believ'd ſhe ſhould hardly prevail with herſelf hereafter, to make the latter a tolerable civil Anſwer, if he ſhould ever attempt to make Love to her. Whether Ciladira had really a truer Taſte, or whether it was Envy to her Companion, becauſe he addreſs'd himſelf more particularly to her, ſaid ſhe could not believe him what he would appear10 to be; and would have continu'd on that Subject, but Aminda would by no Means encourage ſuch diſhonourable Apprehenſions. By this Time Damon was return'd, and made what Haſte he could to uſher 'em into a Hackney-Coach he had provided, where they were no ſooner enter'd, but he began to entreat they would permit him to treat 'em with ſome Jellies, and Ice-Creams, at White's Chocolate-houſe, The Windows being drawn up, it was impoſſible to diſcover them. Theſe, with a great many other Perſwaſions, prevail'd, and the Ladies grow eaſy, and extreamly delighted; upon whieh, the Spark takes Advantage to recommend innocent Diverſions above all Things, and rails at all impertinent old Women; who, becauſe they are paſt the Enjoyments of Life, are envious of thoſe who ought to poſſeſs 'em, and render Pleaſures as dangerous and pernicious, with frightful Ideas, devis'd to keep Fools in Ignorance, and ſo conſequently under their Juriſdiction; but that ſo much Beauty, with all the Perfection Nature could beſtow, was not given 'em with Deſign to be bury'd in Oblivion: And to depart out of the World, juſt as they came into it, would prove to little purpoſe. Thoſe ſtrong Arguments overcame all the weak ones they could bring in Oppoſition, and11 at laſt were oblig'd to yield the Debate, reſign to his Diſcretion for that Time, and ſuffer themſelves to be convey'd to a Tavern in the Hay-Market. I beg the Ladies Pardon, for ſpeaking ſo very plain; but however, if they can keep their own Countenance, and refrain from bluſhing, it ſhall never go farther for me. After a ſplended Entertainment, and abundance of Compliments paſs'd on all Sides, it grew late, and the Ladies were very uneaſy to be going Home. He ſaid it was too early yet, deſires 'em to take off their Glaſſes with Chearfulneſs, and be thankful. This Speech gave them the firſt Allarm; but they did not know whether to take it as Jeſt or Earneſt. He goes on, and bids 'em conſider between themſelves, whether they would both or one go Home with him to his Lodgings. Upon this, they aſk'd, with a great deal of Indignation, which ſufficiently expreſs'd their Surprize and Reſentment, what he meant, and who he took them for. He anſwers: Look ye, Ladies, ye may put on Diſguiſe, and give your ſelves what Airs you pleaſe; but at this Time ye have miſs'd your Aim. I know the World too well to be impos'd on. You'll gueſs, by this Time, Aminda began to repent her Choice of a Lover, and Ciladira as much enrag'd to have her Judgment neglected,12 gave her Friend a ſevere Reprimand for drawing her into the Snare, contrary to her own Inclinations, which perhaps their utmoſt Care and Politicks could not diſentangle. Aminda falls upon him with high Words, in Hopes to over-power him that Way; but finding this Stratagem fail,〈◊〉was oblig'd to alter the Scheme, and endeavour to ſooth him into good Nature. At laſt, with abundance of Difficulty, they manag'd it ſo as to quit the Houſe, but could not poſſibly get quit of the Raſcal. He was reſolv'd to purſue 'em to Deſtruction, lays violent Hands on Aminda, dragging her towards the Strand, pinching and tormenting her in a grievous Manner. Ciladira purſu'd as faſt as ſhe could, and both join'd their Prayers and Entreaties in vain to this inflexible Barbarian; for all the Return they could get, was, That when he met with ſuch Jilts, he knew how to uſe 'em: That they had urg'd him to ſpend a great deal of Money, he could employ much better; and ſwore he would have Satisfaction one Way or other, before they parted; and would therefore give 'em three Things to chuſe, viz. Go and lie with him all Night, or be ſecur'd in the Round-houſe, or elſe return all the Money he had depoſited on their Accounts. Ciladira was glad to find they might have their Liberty on13 this laſt Condition, and deſir'd to know how much they were indebted to him; he anſwer'd, Five Guineas. She was then at as great a Loſs as ever, knowing at that Time they had ſcarce one between 'em; but ſaid, if he would let them know where to direct, ſhe would give her Word and Honour it ſhould be ſent him next Day without fail. As this Scoundrel had no Notion of Honour, ſo it prov'd to as little Purpoſe to make him ſuch Propoſitions. He ſaw 'em well dreſs'd, and adorn'd with Jewels of conſiderable Value, eſpecially Aminda, whom he made his particular Ward; and, like a true Infernal, never ceas'd to torture and afflict, beſides tearing her fine lac'd Lappits and Ruffles all to Rags. He obſerv'd Ciladira had only a Gold Watch and Diamond Ring, which he bid her leave in his Cuſtody, 'till ſhe could perform her Promiſe; but not being willing to do this, he order'd her to pawn 'em at a Tavern in St. Martins-Lane, where he had dragg'd them with Deſign for that Round-houſe, if other Projects fail'd. By this Time the Watch had Notice, and were haſtening to ſecure them all; which Ciladira prevented, by declaring their Innocence and Diſaſter in ſo moving a Manner, together with a little Money to drink her Health, that ſhe prevail'd upon them to14 withdraw. She runs in this Confuſion, and procur'd the Money, deliver'd it to him immediately, and demands her Companion, who ſtood trembling, lamenting, and almoſt dying in the Hands of her Perſecutor. He tells her they had not adjuſted all Matters yet; but for her own Part, ſince ſhe had defray'd the Expences he had been at, he was content to permit her the Freedom of going Home when ſhe pleas'd; but for this little ſaucy Jilt, he had another Reckoning to make with her, both for her Inſolence, and his Loſs of Time, which ſhe muſt account for before they part. This laſt Demand ſtruck them into the greateſt Horror and Defpair imaginable, while he redoubled his Oaths to make her a publick Example. Ciladira, who has a Soul truly brave and compaſſionate, diſdaining the mean Conſiderations of Self-Preſervation, choſe rather to undergo thoſe preſent Inconveniencies, together with the Hazard of future Advantages, than to abandon her Friend in Diſtreſs, deſir'd to know how ſhe muſt redeem her from Bondage. Bully anſwer'd, the Thing depended on herſelf, that Diamond Croſs which hangs, as a needleſs Addition, on her more illuſtrious Boſom, will pawn for ten Guineas, to purchaſe her Liberty. Aminda was cut to the Heart, with the Apprehenſion of loſing15her belov'd Ornaments, to which ſhe is ſo extreamly bigotted, that ſhe would endanger her eternal Reputation, and ſuffer all the Puniſhment he could inflict, rather than part with any one of them. Ciladira knowing her Temper and Reſolution, went and engag'd her Watch, as ſhe had before her Ring, and was returning, when a Gentleman ſeiz'd her in his Arms, calling her Angel and Goddeſs, with a great many ſuch Speeches. She was ready to ſwoon at the Repetition of what had betray'd her to this; but ſeeing ſome promiſing Appearances in him, ſhe caſt herſelf at his Feet, and begg'd he would pity a diſtreſſed Maid. He was extreamly mov'd with her Requeſt; and looking upon her with a more different Regard than thoſe who are accuſtom'd to ſuch Diſorders, generouſly offer'd his Aſſiſtance againſt all Inſults or Affronts that might be offer'd her, and that he was reſolv'd to protect and defend her with the laſt Drop of his Blood. This Cavalier is a Colonel in the Army, has a great deal of Honour, and real Courage, which he had ſignaliz'd on ſeveral Occaſions. Ciladira was much comforted to meet with a Knight-Errant; but however, to prevent a Quarrel, leaſt it might prove a Means to expoſe 'em, clapt the Guineas into his Hand, catch'd Hold of Aminda, return'd him many16Thanks, and ſo would have parted. No Doubt the Sharper was well ſatisfy'd with this, eſpecially when he ſaw a Gentleman who ſaid he was a near Relation, and ſuſpecting ſomething more than ordinary, took Hold of his Hand, and deſir'd to know for what Reaſon he had receiv'd that Money; would have urg'd him in to drink a Bottle of Wine, and inform him how far he was oblig'd to him on the Account of thoſe Ladies. The poor Fellow, who durſt not contend with any but thoſe who could not defend themſelves, turn'd pale as Death, ſhrunk back, and only ſaid the Ladies were very welcome, bow'd, and wiſh'd it had been in his Power to have ſerv'd them farther. Ciladira was glad to let this paſs, leaſt he ſhould diſcover any Thing to their Diſadvantage, and ſaid, that the Obligations they had to this Gentleman, were for freeing 'em from the Clamour of a Hackney Coach-man, who had impos'd a great deal more than his Due, and not having Money enough about 'em, he had been ſo kind to lend 'em a Crown, which was what he ſaw her return him. This paſs'd pretty well on all Sides, and the Spark made off as faſt as he could, throughly glad of this Night's Succeſs. The Colonel begg'd to 'ſquire them Home, and did not fail to make abundance of Complements by the17Way, for the Honour they had done, in admitting him rather than the other: But having caſt his Eyes on Aminda, and obſerving her Cloths ſo diſorder'd, and her Looks ſo ſorrowful, imagin'd ſhe had had foul Play, and with Difficulty brought 'em to confeſs their ill Uſage, tho' they carefully omitted that Part of the Story that reflects on their Conduct. He chid 'em ſeverely for not putting it in his Power to retrieve their Loſſes, and chaſtiſe the Villain. At parting, he extreamly importun'd Ciladira to honour him with a Line or two, directed to Man's Coffee-houſe; which ſhe promis'd to do, as a grateful Acknowledgment for the Service he had done them; and I ſuppoſe went to Bed ſufficiently mortify'd with their Adventure.
AMongſt all my Acquaintance, I never obſerv'd any ſo compleatly whimſical, and remarkable of herſelf, (and is that they call ſomething ſo entirely out of the Way) as Lady Tuneal. She is a Woman of Quality, a great Pretender to Vertue, Wit, and Diſcretion, with a Mixture of Philoſophical Notions, and may with Juſtice ſtile herſelf — a Perſon — every Way diſtininguiſhable; and tho' ſhe be a profeſs'd18Man-hater, yet has nevertheleſs, thro' the Sollicitations of her Friends, been prevail'd with to enter into a conjugal State, much to her own Diſſatisfaction; but had the good Fortune, after ſome few Years, to be releas'd from him to whom ſhe cauſeleſsly bore ſo much Averſion, and plac'd as the Center of all her Uneaſineſs and Diſquiets. She is ſo far from playing the Hypocrite on this Account, that ſhe openly declares a Diſlike and ill Opinion of all Women, who do not agree with her Sentiments on the ſame Occaſion, and can never believe, but that a Woman of Vertue will always eſteem it her greateſt Bleſſing to be freed from thoſe filthy — uſeleſs — lumbering — Male-Creatures. She has one only Daughter, Heireſs to a plentiful Fortune, and every Way deſerving, but I think her Ladyſhip does not ſeem to place much Joy in her, or indeed any Thing this Earth produces, excepting her moſt dearly beloved Spinet; to which ſhe is ſo entirely devoted, that ſhe thinks every Moment loſt, that is not employ'd in the Improvement of this out-of-Faſhion Inſtrument of Muſick. She not only makes in the Buſineſs of her Life; but, as tho' her future Happineſs depended thereon, ſuffers nothing to intercept; but if ſhe be oblig'd ſometimes, tho' with great Regret,19 to receive what ſhe calls impertinent Viſts, ſhe is forc'd to ſit up very late, nay, often the whole Night, before ſhe can make a Repetition of all her Tunes; which ſhe never fails to do, before ſhe ſleeps. She has a ſingular Method in every Thing ſhe ſays and does, and is attended with an Imperfection, I ſuppoſe rather habitual, than natural; which generally proves the greateſt Hinderance to her Employment or Diverſion; that is, ſhe can never ſpeak of the leaſt Thing, or give any neceſſary Orders in her Family, without Multiplicity of uſeleſs Words, and will fetch every Thing ſo very far about, that it's impoſſible to gueſs what ſhe aims to conclude in. Every one of thoſe Words muſt be diſtinctly utter'd, with a Pauſe which laſts a Minute, or more, according as ſhe requires Time to ſigh and breathe in; ſo that one has loſt the Beginning of the Sentence, before one can learn the latter End. It's not long ſince a Lady call'd on me, to wait on Lady Tuneal. We found her at her uſual Paſs-time, but in pleaſanter Temper than ordinary. She no ſooner obſerv'd us in a Poſture of going, but ſhe began to intreat our Stay, declar'd ſhe was never better pleas'd in Company, and that ſhe did really eſteem us as Perſons of Diſcretion; and therefore hop'd we ſhould diſpence with her, as to thoſe Formalities and20Decorums, which might not anſwer at this Time with her Conveniency; for having been that Day much interrupted in her Muſick, ſhould therefore be oblig'd to ſit up late, which always proves extreamly prejudicial to her Health. We beg'd her Ladyſhip to uſe us with the ſame Familiarity ſhe would her Daughter, or thoſe of her Attendance. After we had been agreeably enough entertain'd for ſome Time, with ſeveral new Tunes, of which ſhe is never unprovided, at the ſet Time, according to her Cuſtom, which is as unalterable as the Laws of the Medes and Perſians, ſhe rings her Bell; upon which, Mrs. Smart, her Woman, deſires to know her Ladyſhip's Pleaſure. She begins, Smart, — I have call'd you with Intention — to conſult — about Supper. — Her Woman propos'd ſeveral Things, which I thought proper for Night; but my Lady looks frighted, turns pail, and proteſts ſhe has given her the Spleen to the higheſt Degree, in naming ſuch groſs Meats at this unſeaſonable Hour, and at laſt recovers Breath to cry out, — Smart, — you are a Perſon — of a hail Conſtitution; — but when a Perſon — has liv'd ſo long with — a Perſon of Quality, — there might be gathering up — ſome Fragments of Senſe, — at leaſt enough to — diſtinguiſh them — from the Commonalty: — But — to ſpeak yet21plainer ſtill, — tho' with abundance — of Difficulty, — for want of Breath, — as well as Loſs of Time, — which to me — is always precious, — very precious, — tho' not ſo with you, — and the unthinking World; — yet, I do ſay, — you might have diſtinguiſh'd mine — from vulgar Appetites; — have ſpar'd me all theſe Conſiderations, — and have come with — ſomething ready projected, — ſuitable to the — Delicacy of my Palate, — and Tenderneſs — of Conſtitution withal, — by way of Cordial, — to revive decaying Spirits. — Smart anſwer'd her Lady, that ſhe had nam'd what ſhe knew of, to be proper in all thoſe Caſes; and that ſhe dare ſay, if the Truth were known, her Ladyſhip had herſelf projected the Supper ſhe deſign'd, and only urg'd all this to try if ſhe could divine; which in all Likelihood might prove as difficult, as it was for the South-Sayers and Magicians to tell King Nebuchadnezzar not only the Interpretation, but the Dream too: But if ſhe would let her have her Commands in a Word, ſhe ſhould readily be obey'd. The Lady reply'd, Why, truly, Smart, — I have obſerv'd you to be — a Perſon — always ready furniſh'd — with a Stock of Spirits, — and ſo conſequently always on a Hurry; — and ſince you will reduce me — to the Neceſſity — of naming the Thing — my ſelf, I deſire you'll ſtep down —22 into the Kitchen, and leave Orders — with the Cook — to make me — half a Porringerof Water-Gruel. — Smart, not a little glad to receive the Meſſage, in Hopes to be diſmiſs'd for that Time, was going in all Haſte to deliver it, when her Lady calls her back, with a Charge to let it be thin, very thin. She was no ſooner diſpatch'd with theſe ſecond Orders, but was again recalled to take a more ſtrict one yet, which was, that it muſt not exceed half a Porringer, but rather abate ſomething of half a Porringer, and to be ſure that it be Poverty-Gruel. After this, ſhe falls to ſhaking her Fingers on the Spinet, with greater Vehemency than ever; which put her into ſuch Diſorder, that ſhe was oblig'd to deſiſt, and recover Strength, by ſighing and gaſping afreſh. Smart finding her Lady in ſuch Extremities, propos'd to have a Spoon-full of Sack in the Gruel, as a comfortable Cordial, and might incline her to Reſt: Upon which, ſhe ſinks into her Chair, ſtruggles for new Life, and profeſs'd that ſhe was abſolutely overcome only with the Name of thoſe — ſtrong — ſtupifying — adulterated — debauch'd — Liquors. After ſhe had ſupp'd, we took our Leaves; but had the Honour to receive an Invitation to dine with her the Week following; and ſaid, ſhe hop'd there was no need to23 make Apologies for our not eating with her then; as being Perſons of hail Conſtitutions, thoſe Evening-Refreſhments were needleſs; and made no doubt but that we had already learnt to know, that when Nature is arriv'd to its full Growth, and no viſible Signs of Decay, thoſe ſuperfluous Nouriſhments ſerve not only to create or increaſe the ill Humours in the Body, but to raiſe and cheriſh ill Diſpoſitions in the Mind.
Amongſt the Failings that attend this Lady, and indeed ſeveral others of our Sex, this one ſeems moſt predominant, through a miſtaken Zeal to Vertue; they make too curious Search into thoſe Things they would appear to have the greateſt Abhorrence to; which I ſhall diſcover more particularly hereafter, and is what every truly vertuous Woman ought to overlook, and endeavour to keep herſelf in Ignorance of; but perhaps they agree with thoſe Words Mr. Dryden makes Lucifer ſpeak in his State of Innocence:
No Doubt but theſe Words were very proper for his Deſign, and, amongſt others of that Nature, had their deſir'd Effect; but,24 on the contrary, as to the latter Part, were I capable to judge or adviſe, believe it more ſafe, as much as poſſible to remain unknowing of all Things that tend to Ill.
HAving been a little indiſpos'd the laſt Week, I had the Honour to receive Viſits from ſeveral of my Acquaintance, moſt of them being Perſons of Diſtinction and Merit, who, beſides the Pleaſure they gave me in their Converſations, has encourag'd me to entertain a little better Opinion of my ſelf than ordinary, as finding I am not wholly neglected; I mean by thoſe of my own Sex.
After the firſt Complements ended, and the Ladies plac'd according to their ſeveral Degrees, Lady Quickſight broke Silence; Madam, ſaid ſhe, if it won't be impertinent in me to entertain your Company, I'll tell you an Obſervation I made juſt now coming through the Mall. I anſwer'd, Your Ladyſhip will lay me under a particular Obligation, in doing it in a much more agreeable Manner than I am capable of. She made a Return I did not deſerve, and went on, I ſuppoſe you know, or at leaſt have heard of ſuch a Gentleman, naming him, a Great Stateſman, tho' not ſo particularly25 addreſs'd to in this preſent Parliament, as that before the late Revolution in the Miniſtry. I obſerv'd him in a very penſive Mood, taking ſeveral ſhort Turns in the Park, and was as often met by a Nurſe with four or five Children, who miſs'd no Opportunity of dropping him Curtſies, but was paſs'd by a long Time diſregarded. At laſt ſhe bethought herſelf of another Stratagem, and order'd the Children ſo as to meet him in a full Body, and attack him by way of Complement, while ſhe lead up the Rear. This unuſual Salutation call'd him from his politick Contemplations. He ſaw them very pretty, and well dreſs'd, and was extreamly pleas'd with their Manner of accoſting him. He aſk'd the Nurſe if ſhe belong'd to them, and ſaid, he never ſaw ſuch fine Children in his Life; and imagining their Parents to be conſiderable, deſir'd to know whoſe they were. The Nurſe anſwer'd, Sir, they are your own, and live in the ſame Houſe with you. Are they ſo? ſays the Father: Indeed I did not know it, nor do I remember I ever ſaw one of them before. But however, to let the Nurſe ſee he did not diſbelieve what ſhe told him, and that he approv'd of her Manner of Diſcipline, gave her a Guinea, and order'd her to take them Home. It's very ſtrange to me, continu'd Lady Quickſight, that a Gentleman, who is both a good Huſband,26 and a good Father, and makes it his Endeavour to raiſe great Fortunes for his Children, ſhould be ſo extreamly bigotted to publick Affairs, as to remain thus ignorant of his domeſtick ones, and not know his own Children, tho' they live in the Houſe with him. Not at all, reply'd Delamine; I think it ſufficient if he knows his Wife, and converſes with her. I know a certain Colonel of the Guards, of City Extraction, but having a natural Inclination to what he calls Gallantry, went two or three Campaigns into Flanders, in Purſuit of Honour, 'till he loſt that little he had; and at laſt came Home, and purchas'd the Commiſſion he is now poſſeſs'd of. This Spark has a Wife and two Children, whom he has made ſuch Strangers to him, that he has now almoſt brought himſelf to believe there is no ſuch People in the World; and I believe ſcarce knows any one of them when he meets them; but if by Chance any of his more conſiderate Companions would be reminding him, he ſwears it's all Impoſition; and knowing the Diſadvantages he has reduc'd them to, hopes, that he has hitherto bully'd them out of a juſt Maintenance, makes no Doubt in a little Time but to bully them out of their juſt Claim too, without giving any ſufficient Reaſons for what he ſays or does. Certainly ſuch a Man muſt needs be eſteem'd heroick, who27can thus bravely contend, and triumph over a weak Woman and young Children, becauſe he has put it out of their Power to defend themſelves! and if he gains his Ends, I deſire we may all petition the Parliament to have him publickly acknowledg'd, and treated as a victorious Conqueror. Delamine would have proceeded farther, but the whole Company unanimouſly begg'd her to lay aſide that Subject, he being the common Theme of Diſcourſe for that, or ſomething equally as ridiculous; tho' at the ſame Time all own'd he had once been a very pretty Fellow, and ſo might have continu'd, if he had not took thoſe Methods to make himſelf deſpis'd by all the rational World. While they were thus buſy in Remarks on others, ſtriving who ſhould be moſt heard, I thought it better Manners to give Attention to, than intercept their Talk, 'till at laſt they told me I had not ſpoke two Words ſince they came into the Room. I anſwer'd, that being conſcious of my own Incapacities, together with a due Regard to thoſe who honour'd me with their Preſence, was certain I could reap much more Advantage by being a Hearer, than a Speaker. However, rather than give any Diſguſt by my Silence, I'll venture to draw a Cenſure of a contrary Nature; and for want of ſomething more agreeable,28 ſhall tell a very odd Thing that lately happen'd to my ſelf, and is one Cauſe of my preſent Indiſpoſition. The Ladies all begg'd to hear that, and Lady Quickſight cry'd, I hope you are not in Love; I never thought you inclining to that Diſtemper. Not at all, Madam, ſaid I. Your Ladyſhip's much more diſcerning, than the vain Coxcomb that miſconſtructed me; tho' upon hearing my Story, perhaps you'll ſay I had as great a Share of Vanity, as he. You muſt know here is a Gentleman come to lodge in our Neighbourhood, who takes all Opportunities to let me underſtand he is reſolv'd to keep a very ſtrict Survey over my Actions and Behaviours; ſo that I am under the greateſt Reſtraints imaginable, to find that I can't ſtir Abroad, move in my own Apartment, or receive Company, but he muſt have immediate Information; and is ſo perpetually lolling in his Window, with his Eyes fix'd here, that it's impoſſible for any Thing to ſlip his Knowledge. As to my ſelf, there is nothing worth remarking; but what perplexes me, is poor Amelia. She had appointed to call on me for the Opera; and becauſe we don't duly frequent thoſe Places, ſhe was deſirous not to miſs any Part of the Entertainment. Having been dreſs'd in a very great Hurry, ſhe took a ſudden Whip from the Coach, to haſten me down Stairs;29 but had the Misfortune to drop her Shift at the Door, which hung in her Petticoats, and was deſign'd to have been left at Home: Upon which, the Spark took upon him to burſt out into a downright Laughter, tho' he did what he could to ſmother it, while her Servant took Care to deliver it into my Maid's Cuſtody. You'll gueſs, Ladies, at the Shame and Confuſion this occaſion'd us; which increas'd, when we 'ſp'd him at our Backs, as ſoon as we had taken our Places in the Theatre, where I ſuppoſe he diverted himſelf at the Expence of our Bluſhes. Amelia has never been here ſince; and for my own Part, I appear as ſeldom as poſſible. And is that the only Cauſe? ſays Lady Quickſight. When you firſt began to ſpeak of your Neighbour, I apprehended ſomething more than all this. I found ſhe would pump it out, and thought it more ingenious to do it voluntarily. That is, Madam, ſaid I, what I am going to tell you: This very Gentleman finding me uſe all Induſtry to avoid him, and that it would continue difficult for him to ſee me any where but at Church, manag'd it ſo as to be in the ſame Pew with me every Sunday, and always places himſelf either next, or over againſt me, inceſſantly ogling, and uſing ſeveral irreverent Geſtures, which gives me abundance of Uneaſineſs. If, to prevent being ſtar'd at, I turn my Head30on one Side, he takes Occaſion truly to daſh his Foot againſt mine, with Deſign to ſet it right again; ſo that I am oblig'd to keep my Eyes fix'd on my Fan, or look directly over him to the Parſon; which methinks gives me a very old-faſhion'd Air; for I have obſerv'd Ladies of the higheſt Quality, and in the Royal Chappel it ſelf, don't throw away a Look, or miſemploy a Thought that Way, but are at full Liberty to compare Jewels, receive and entertain one another with as much Freedom, and as great an Air of Gallantry, as in the Drawing-Room, or a Ball at Court. The only Refuge I have under theſe Reſtraints, is kneeling; but I'll aſſure you, my Spark is more a Gentleman, and better bred, than to kneel at Church, or ſhew the leaſt Devotion; tho' at the ſame Time I dare ſay he would not think it beneath him to adore and proſtrate himſelf at the Feet of an inſignificaut Mortal, in Hopes by ſuch Means, to draw her to her Ruin, while perhaps he is only deſpis'd and laugh'd at; which indeed is the juſt Reward of ſuch Endeavours. When I am to riſe, he is officiouſly offering his Hand, and by that Means gains Opportunity to ſqueeze mine; and, in ſhort, has made all the Advances imaginable; ſo that it were impoſſible for me to ſuppoſe him otherwiſe than a Lover, tho' he had not ſpoke one Word yet; but that paſs'd for31want of Aſſurance, and I ever expected when he would gain Courage enough to make a Declaration of his Paſſion; not that I had the leaſt Inclination to accept his Propoſals, tho' he has a pretty Eſtate, and conſiderable Place under the Government; yet there is no Inchantments lodg'd in his Perſon, ſo as to make him amiable in my Eyes. However, I did not know but he might expect I ſhould take it an Honour; and becauſe I would not ſeem to leſſen his Deſerts, or value my own without Cauſe, I ſtudy'd a long Time for an Anſwer to that imaginary Letter he might ſend me, and contriv'd it ſo as he could not think me imperious or fantaſtical, or that my Refuſal was meant in Affront to him, I thought it beſt to ſay, that a Senſe of my own Imperfections had occaſion'd me to vow Celibacy ſome Time ſince, as knowing I am unworthy to be belov'd. This Letter lay by me ſo long, that I began to deſpair of ever having Uſe for it, and grew a little diſturb'd, leaſt the Product of my Studies ſhould be loſt: But one Evening I had Notice, that the Gentleman's Foot-man over the way had brought a Letter, and would deliver it only to my ſelf. Upon firſt hearing, I confeſs I was in twenty Minds, whether to ſend this I had by me, or not: At laſt, I found it would be a conſiderable Time before I could accompliſh another, and that I had no more32 to do with this, but to ſeal and direct it, and by that Means gain the Reputation of a Woman of a quick Thought. I took his Letter, ſaid I would ſtep up and read it, and ſend down an Anſwer immediately. The Fellow told me very briſkly, it did not require an Anſwer, and was gone before I could ſay another Word. I ſuppoſe he had given thoſe Orders, becauſe he was reſolv'd to take no Denial; ſo retir'd into my Cloſet, and to my Aſtoniſhment read this:
IT's with infinite Regret I have prevail'd with my ſelf to diſcloſe a Secret, that I with Reaſon fear will cauſe you much Uneaſineſs; and withal to give you this unwelcome Caution; that is, for your own Sake, I beg you'll endeavour to ſuppreſs your growing Paſſion for me, which has been apparently manifeſt by thoſe Tremblings and Emotions which naturally ſeize you at my Approach, and I with ſo much Pleaſure have diſcern'd: But have the Miſfortune, Madam, to be engag'd in an Affair my Friends put me upon, before I had the Honour to know of you. It's a juſt Conſideration of your Merit, that won't ſuffer me to let you languiſh under a fruitleſs Expectation of what may never be in my Power to gratify. I hope you are ſo33good a Chriſtian, as to bear this Diſappointment patiently, and be aſſur'd, that tho' I cannot, yet there is nothing in the World I covet more, than to be
It was a long Time before I could recover from the Surprize this Letter had thrown me into, and was really griev'd to find, that one can't bluſh for a Fellow's Impudence, but he muſt miſinterpret it to Love. At firſt I was in the Mind to write, and undeceive the Puppy; but upon Conſideration, found I ſhould but leſſen my ſelf, and increaſe his Vanity, by ſhewing any Regard to it; for the only Way to mortify ſuch Animals, is to ſcorn and neglect them, and to let the Fool ſee it was not in his Power to cauſe me the leaſt Uneaſineſs. The next Day, being Sunday, I dreſs'd my ſelf in the beſt Cloaths I have, and went to Church with a gayer Air than ordinary; where I had not been long, before I had the Pleaſure to find my Oppoſite had met with a greater Diſappointment than my ſelf, and could have laugh'd at his Folly, if I had thought it worth while; but to do Juſtice on both Sides, I can't ſay I eſcap'd altogether unpuniſh'd for my Pride; for in leaving off my Hood that Day, the Weather being grown cool, I got a very great Cold,34 which occaſions me to keep my Chamber at this Time. The Ladies fell a laughing at my Amour; and by this Time I ſuppoſe were pretty well tir'd, and took their Leaves.
I Shall not undertake to give a circumſtantial Account of the unhappy Differences that aroſe not long after the Marriage, between Sir Bounce Sparkit and his Lady: Tho' her Vertue, Beauty, and every Merit, were his chief Inducements to enter into the matrimonial State; yet, through the Inſtigations of his pretended Friends, and her Enemies, he ſoon grew to an Indifference, and afterwards to a Neglect, or rather ill Ufage, of the only Perſon in the World that entirely loves, and maintains an inviolable Fidelity to him. Sir Bounce is one of thoſe who places his whole Felicity in himſelf, and does not require the Additions a good Wife is capable of giving, to make his Life eaſy to him; and as he never takes nor gives Reaſons for any Thing, he thought fit not long ſince to withdraw to a ſeparate Apartment, and devote himſelf up to Gallantries; while his forſaken Spouſe has full Leiſure to lament her Unhappineſs,35 or Time and Opportunity, if ſhe pleaſes, to revenge her Injuries; tho' I believe ſhe never entertain'd a Thought of that Nature; but on the contrary, has made it her utmoſt Endeavours, if poſſible, to retrieve her Huſband's fleeting Paſſion: In order to which, ſhe went one Morning to his Chamber, where ſhe found him equipping in a riding Habit, and with all the Sweetneſs in her Looks, and moſt obliging Terms imaginable, ſaid ſhe was come to Breakfaſt with him, and to have the Pleaſure of an Hour's Converſation, if he would permit it. He anſwer'd with a very haughty Air, that ſhe had made Choice of a wrong Time to gain any of his Company, being in Expectation every Moment of a Gentleman to call of him for Hide-Park; and that if ſhe would ſhew him any Marks of her Duty and Prudence, ſhe muſt immediately retire. The Lady began to be a little inrag'd at her cold Reception, and his Ingratitude; and briſkly told him, thoſe Cautions were needleſs, and that ſhe wiſh'd he would acquit his Duty, as well as ſhe had done her's: Upon this, Sir Bounce commanded her not to talk; but ſhe ſtill diſobeying, he order'd his Valet to lead her to her own Apartment. This Indignity was reſented to the laſt Degree; and ſhe did not fail to tell him at parting,36 It is not long ſince you would have gone down on both Knees, to have obtain'd the Bleſſing your ſelf. Under this new Diſcouragement, ſhe flies to Olympa, a young Lady, her near Relation and Confident, who lives with her in the Houſe. It's to her only ſhe opens all her Grievances. Olympa always endeavours to rally her, out of her Melancholy, and tells her, a Huſband's Love is not worth preſerving; and as ſhe is a true Coquet, declares ſhe can never value any Man farther, than to have the Glory of a Conqueſt; of which ſhe is ſo extreamly covetous, that ſhe can't bear the Thoughts of a Cavalier, who is not her profeſs'd Adorer; and never fails to play the Tyrant, after ſhe has once gain'd a Captive. She will needs have Lady Sparkit Abroad to divert her; and being in the Morning, and not in an Humour to dreſs, they walk'd in Diſſabil, to make Choice of ſome Things they had Occaſion for at a Miliner's in the Pall-Mall; where, after they had been ſome Time, were returning Home to Dinner, when Olympa, whoſe Eyes are always open to gay Appearances, 'ſpy'd a fine young Gentleman with his Head laid down to ſleep in a Tavern Window; the Saſh being up, and another ſtanding by with a Whip under his Arm. Upon which, ſhe cry'd, Look, my Dear, do you know either37of thoſe pretty Fellows? Lady Sparkit immediately recollected ſhe ſaw her Huſband put on that fine lac'd Coat to ride out in the Morning, and that this other was the Friend he expected ſhould call of him; ſo concluded they were now come back, and would dine there together. While her Thoughts were thus employ'd, he that ſtood, gave the other a Pluck, who ſoon wak'd, look'd upon them, and ſmil'd. They both ſaw very plain, at that Time, it was Sir Bounce himſelf; and his Lady was not a little reviv'd at the pleaſant Look he had given her, and began to think it was not impoſſible but that his Mind might now change, as much as it had done before. But however, leaſt her too curious Obſervation might give any Umbrage, ſhe was going in all Haſte; but Olympa having an Inclination to look back, ſaw him beckon, and make all the Signs he could to have them ſtop, 'till he was ready to throw himſelf out of the Window. She was extreamly pleas'd with his ſeeming Eagerneſs to join Companies, and had already doom'd the Stranger her Slave. She tells Lady Sparkit, that ſhe is confident Sir Bounce is grown impatient to come to a Reconciliation; and becauſe ſhe would not ſeem to have any Deſigns, tells her, ſhe has now a fair Opportunity to cloſe38with her Happineſs; which, if loſt, may never be retriev'd; and that as it is her Huſband who makes this preſſing Invitation, ſhe ought not to ſtand upon Decorums, or raiſe any Objections againſt the Decency of the Place; eſpecially ſince ſhe knew him to be a Man of that Temper whom nothing can oblige, but an entire Obedience and Reſignation to his Will and Pleaſure, tho' it appear never ſo unreaſonable to the World. Lady Sparkit was very inclinable to comply with thoſe Reaſonings, but again fear'd his Deſigns might not be ſo well, perhaps, as they at firſt imagin'd. While ſhe remain'd thus dubious, and ſlowly moving homewards, Philaret, which was the young Stranger, purſu'd and overtook them, who only bow'd, and offer'd her his Hand to lead them back, without ſaying one Word. She aſk'd why Mr. Sparkit would not rather come himſelf? He anſwer'd, Madam, I very difficultly prevail'd upon him to permit me the Honour. By the Way, ſhe proceeded to aſk him ſeveral Queſtions concerning the Park, and if they had brought any other Company with them. To all which he anſwer'd very Appropo. When they were come to the Tavern, ſhe ſaw four or five ſtrange Foot-men ſtand with their Hats off; but thoſe ſhe imagin'd might belong39to the Gallant who was' ſquiring her up Stairs, while Olympa follow'd. They had not quite aſcended, before the other Gentleman came running to meet them; and Philaret call'd out, My Lord Newlove, if you were ſenſible of the Bleſſing, you would fly to aſſiſt me in uſbering up theſe Ladies. Upon this, they immediately found their Miſtake, but too late. Olympa run down as faſt as ſhe could; but Lady Sparkit not having Liberty to get away, clapt hold of the Baniſters, and fell into a Swoon. After they had brought her into the Room, they did not fail to uſe their utmoſt Care and Diligence to bring her to Life, which was effected in a little Time; but upon finding herſelf in the Arms of him ſhe had miſtook for her Huſband, ſhe was ready to fall into a Relapſe, had they not convinc'd her by their Behaviours and ſolemn Proteſtations, ſhe ſhould remain in their Company with as much Safety, on all Accounts, as with the neareſt Relation ſhe had in the World. But all this would not ſatisfy the diſappointed Lady; ſhe intreats, with the greateſt Urgency imaginable, to have her Liberty; while they, with an unreſiſting Air, and moſt profound Reſpect, ſollicit her Stay. By this Time Olympa had recover'd her Fright, and was return'd, to make Enquiry of her Friend. 40Philaret had Notice of it, and with abundance of Arguments and Aſſurances, prevail'd upon her to honour them with her Company; which ſhe did, in Reſpect to the other Lady. Lord Newlove was ſo enamour'd with the Beauty, graceful Mein, and modeſt Carriage of Lady Sparkit, whom he ſtil'd his deſtin'd Charmer, ſent from the Gods to take Poſſeſſion of a Heart unconquer'd; and that he ſhould eſteem himſelf the moſt fortunate Man on Earth, if ſhe would permit him to devote it eternally to her Service. Lady Sparkit receiv'd theſe Addreſſes with all the Coldneſs and Neglect that's natural to a Mind prepoſſeſt; and tho' ſhe had no other Obligations to her Huſband, than that of being ſo, yet ſhe found her Vertue a ſufficient Guard againſt the moſt powerful Aſſaults. Lord Newlove is a young Nobleman, truly heroick, and grac'd with all the Additions of Art and Nature, which can conſpire to make him irreſiſtable; and has ſo peculiar a Method in making Love, which inſenſibly ſteals upon the Hearts of thoſe preſent, as well as the Perſon addreſs'd to; and never fails to make her envy'd, tho' it were by a Siſter, or Boſom-Friend. In the mean Time, Philaret, who is no leſs deſerving, a Relation, and ſworn Brother to Lord Newlove, entertain'd Olympa41 with all the Reſpect and good Manners which becomes a Cavalier to a fine young Lady; yet, tho' ſhe is very deſirable, he did not find himſelf abſolutely in Love with her, but kept his Eyes and Thoughts fix'd on Lady Sparkit, who always proves moſt attracting to the real Judges of Perfections. On the other Hand, Olympa made him ſuitable Returns, and was ſo tranſported between the Charms ſhe ſaw in Lord Newlove, and that of a Rival's Rage and Reſentment, that ſhe had not Leiſure to mind the cool Application Philaret made to her, which ſeem'd rather through Reſtraint, than Inclination: A Treatment ſhe had never been accuſtom'd to, and what was directly contrary to the Sentiments ſhe had of herſelf; but finds now, to her great Anxiety, it was not impoſſible to love, even where ſhe is likely to continue diſregarded; the greateſt Mortification that can befal a Coquet. As theſe two Lovers ſympathize in all Things, ſo their Thoughts were equally employ'd on Stratagems to ſucceed in this new Amour, with that Eagerneſs to perſiſt, which is always obſervable in a beginning Flame, both fancying he had the juſter Claim, 'till they had quite forgot the Intent of their coming thither, which was to dine with two honeſt Fellows, who had undergone42the Fatigues of a Camp ſome Years; one of which was come off with the Loſs of an Eye and an Arm, whom they had accidentally met in Hide-Park, from whence they were juſt return'd when the Ladies firſt ſaw them, and had already beſpoke the Dinner. But now the appointed Time being come, the Brothers of the Blade had diſpatch'd their Affairs, and were arm'd: Upon which, they ruſh'd into the Room in a moſt ſurprizing Manner; the firſt made but one Step up to Lady Sparkit, clapt his Hat under his Arm, and cry'd, My Lord, give me Leave to kiſs your Girl; while the lame one accoſted Olympa in as familiar a Way. The Ladies being unacquainted with thoſe Sort of Salutations, were aſtoniſh'd at their Manner of proceeding, and were ready to die with the Apprehenſions they receiv'd of them. Lord Newlove ſoon perceiv'd it, and with a becoming Anger, in Regard to the Ladies Prefence, gave Camper a fevere Reprimand for his Inſolence, tho' with that Caution as not to put their Reputations in his Power by a Diſcovery who they were, but gave them all honourable Aſſurances of his Protection and Fidelity. By this Time Dinner was come upon the Table, which was with all Magnificence the Place would allow of. It was in vain for the Ladies to43think of diſengaging themſelves, but on the contrary, were oblig'd to be as ſociable as they could. While the Courtiers were employ'd in officiating, and ſilently admiring, the Soldiers were entertaining the Company with an Account of their military Diſcipline, and beg'd they might be permitted to regale them with their martial Muſick; which was refus'd. After Dinner, Lord Newlove and Philaret approach'd Lady Sparkit, with all the Awe and Adoration they would a Deity, from whom they expect their immediate Fate; all which ſhe modeſtly evaded; while Camper plac'd his Batteries at Olympae, and after ſeveral vigorous Aſſaults, which prov'd ineffectual, he was conſtrain'd to raiſe the Siege: Upon which, they both retir'd; ſo that Philaret, in Point of Breeding to Olympa, is oblig'd to reſign to his powerful Rival, and give him Opportunity for all the Advances that is poſſible for ſuch an Aſſailant to gain over a Heart that can't remain wholly inſenſible of his Merits; where, in ſpite of all her Vertue and Reaſon, he ſo far prevail'd, as to obtain her Conſent for a ſecond Meeting; which, though innocently meant, had the Misfortune to be overheard by Philaret and Olympa, who look'd upon this Adventure to be a Conſpiracy againſt her univerſal Empire; and tho' before44this unlucky Accident, ſhe dearly lov'd Lady Sparkit, yet, in the Height of Rage and Reſentment, ſhe is ready to ſacrifice her to her Revenge, it being entirely in her Power, as ſhe beſt knows the true Motives of her Huſband's Indifference; and that if ſhe fail'd of her deſir'd Succeſs in an Attempt projected, ſhe is already aſſur'd of having him her Vaſſal, whenever ſhe pleaſes to command it, tho' the Affection ſhe bore to her Couſin, had hitherto prevented her taking any Advantages of that Nature, but always endeavour'd to conceal it from her Knowledge, that it might not cauſe her any Diſquietude. Lady Sparkit is now deſirous to be gone, when Lord Newlove, who is ſo tranſported with the Hopes of future Happineſs, is ready to obey her harſheſt Commands; and together with Philaret, conducted them ſo far as they would permit.
IT's about three or four Months ſince a very worthy Gentleman, a Member of Parliament, had Occaſion to be at a Periwig-maker's Shop in the Strand, where he chanc'd to 'ſpy a fine young Lady alight out of a Hackney-Coach from a very handſome Gentleman, to make a Viſit to an intimate45Friend of her's, a Country Lady that lodg'd at the next Houſe; he ſeeing her walk up Stairs, follow'd by her Foot-man, who carry'd ſeveral Parcels ſhe had been buying, and came there with Deſign to have her Friend's Advice in the making up the Cloths for her Marriage, which was to be celebrated the Week following with that young Cavalier who conducted her thither. Mirtilla, which was the Country Lady, would needs recommend one Vainly, a finical Mantoa-woman that lodg'd up two Pair of Stairs in the ſame Houſe, and who had made it her Buſineſs to inſinuate herſelf into her Favour, to make the Cloths; which Clarinda willingly aſſented to, and gave her Directions accordingly. But to return to our grave Stateſman, whom we left in the adjoining Shop, full of Contemplationon the late Angelick Viſion. He finds himſelf all on a Sudden plung'd into a Paſſion he had never yet experienc'd, at leaſt to ſuch a Degree, tho almoſt arriv'd to the Age of Fifty; but ſince he is ſo tranſported with Love, is reſolv'd to gratify himſelf on any Term whatſoever. Accordingly conſider'd on Propoſals of marrying her with all imaginable Speed; if his Perſon be not the moſt amiable, yet his other Qualifications, with the Addition of a great Eſtate, and Title of Sir46 J —, he knew were great Inducements to a prudent young Lady, eſpecially if ſhe had no great Fortune, as he wiſh'd, to make his Addreſs the eaſier, and begins to think on no Objection, unleſs that beautiful Adonis that came Home with her, as he imagin'd, might prove to be a Lover: But on ſecond Thought, fancy'd ſo much Reſemblance in their Faces, that he concludes them Brother and Siſter; ſo ſcorning to aſk any other Queſtions than what's the Lady's Name that lodges next Door, he was anſwer'd Vainly, the People not knowing of any other in that Houſe. This was enough for the haſty Lover. He immediately flies into his Chariot, and inſtead of going to the Play or Coffee-houſes, gives Orders to go Home, where he ſpent the Remainder of that Day and Night in contriving the propereſt Means to introduce his Paſſion. Sometimes he is ready to go and throw himſelf at her Feet; but again conſiders, that being wholly a Stranger, ſuch an Action might ſeem too raſh and ſurprizing; and at laſt concludes on writing firſt, to beg Leave to wait on her; which he did next Morning in the ſofteſt Terms that could be. He acquaints her with his Name, his Rank, his Circumſtances; and above all, his mighty Love and indefatigable Reſolutions to obtain her for47his Wife; is impatient to know when he may be admitted to kiſs her Hand; and concludes himſelf the moſt ſubmiſſive, whining Slave, that ever Beauty made ſo. This was directed for Madam Vainly at her Lodging, diſpatch'd away in all Haſte, and was accordingly deliver'd with a great deal of Ceremony. You may ſuppoſe Vainly receiv'd all this very civilly, and return'd the Complement as well as ſhe could, with her moſt humble Service; and that if he pleas'd to take the Pains to come there next Day at Six in the Evening, ſhe would do herſelf the Honour to attend him. Never was Woman ſo pleaſingly ſurpriz'd as ſhe, at this welcome Letter. She perus'd it over and over, and fancies every Thing in her Praiſe, to be ſubſtantial Truths; but upon conſulting her Looking-Glaſs more than ordinary, finds herſelf altogether irreſiſtable, and is ready to fly into a Paſſion at the reſt of the ſtupify'd World, that could not diſtinguiſh her Charms in ſix and thirty Years Time. She now begins to conſider her Admirer; and tho' ſhe never ſaw him in her Life, yet is extreamly in Love with him for ſeveral Reaſons. His Quality, Eſtate, and honourable Intentions to make her great, are powerful Motives; but yet adores him more, if poſſible, for his penetrating Judgment. 48The Title of Ladyſhip, tranſports her to the laſt Degree. She concludes every Thing done, and is the happieſt Woman in the World, in her own Imaginations. She grows eager for the Pleaſure of relating her Conqueſt, and fixes on Mirtilla as the propereſt Confident and Adviſer in this Affair. Mirtilla was ſomewhat amaz'd, believe me, at the Gentleman's Choice; but however, being a very well-meaning Country Lady, was mightily pleas'd at her Neighbour's good Fortune, in Hopes to have a merry Bout at this Wedding too. She offers her Apartment to receive him, if ſhe likes it better than her own; which was willingly accepted by Vainly, who employ'd all her Time in making that, and herſelf fit to entertain ſo conſiderable a Lover; but Clarinda, who had really the greateſt Share in the whole Matter, was ignorant of all that paſs'd, and came very innocently next Day to viſit Mirtilla, and enquire if her Wedding-Cloths were almoſt finiſh'd, becauſe ſhe had now few Days to turn in. She had no ſooner enter'd the Houſe, but ſhe found the Face of all Things chang'd, only Mirtilla was much the ſame Woman as before; but Vainly was abſolutely transform'd into another Creature. She had juſt been adorning herſelf to maintain an eternal Conqueſt; ſate playing her49 Fan with the awful Air of ſome great Lady-Viſiter, now and then tuning up her muſical Voice to the ſofteſt Words ſhe could think on. Clarinda was ſtruck all on a Heap in her Thoughts, at this ſudden Alteration; but ſeeing Vainly look ſo very ſtately, ſhe could not take Courage to aſk any Queſtion, nor durſt ſo much as name the Work ſhe expected to have ſeen done. Mirtilla obſerving her Look ſurpriz'd and ſtudious, was as much in Pain to have the telling of News, as the other was to hear it; ſo makes an Excuſe to call her into the next Room, where ſhe unfolded the Myſtery. Clarinda could hardly believe at firſt Hearing; but Mirtilla aſſerts the Truth with, yea verily, and indeed. This happen'd as Vainly wiſh'd; for ſhe was often upon the Point of bringing of it out herſelf; but deferr'd, in Hopes Mirtilla would ſave her the Labour. They were no ſooner come to her again, but ſhe begins to return her Thanks; for tho' Clarinda was a Stranger at preſent, yet ſhe ſaid ſhe was much pleas'd with her Converſation, and had no Affairs ſhe deſir'd might be made a Secret to her, and hop'd they ſhould be better acquainted hereafter; for truly ſhe ſhould very often beg their Companies in her Coach to Hide-Park; but indeed ſhe has ſo many Things to do and50 think on, that ſhe does not know at which End to begin; and as they are both going to enter into the ſame Circumſtances, ſhe ſays they muſt endeavour to aſſiſt one another, and make the beſt Uſe of their Time. She will needs have Clarinda's Cloths ſent away juſt then to the Mantoa-woman ſhe deſigns to honour with her Wedding-Garments, and tells her, that in Return, ſhe muſt make it Part of her Employment to enquire out amongſt her Acquaintance for a Lady's Woman, that underſtands herſelf and her Buſineſs throughly, and knows how to keep due Diſtance; for ſhe is ſure ſhe can never bear a familiar Wretch. But now the Time of Expectation draws near; the Ladies are better bred, than to be interrupting; ſo take Leave together to ſpend the Evening at Clarinda's Lodgings. They had not been gone half an Hour, before a fine Chariot and Equipage, with a much more fine Gentleman, ſtopt at the Door. Vainly knew it could be nothing leſs than her Adorer; runs in all Maſte to meet him at the Stairs. After the uſual Complements to a Woman of her Appearance, he deſir'd to know if Mrs. Vainly were at Home: She told him Yes; and that her Name was ſo. He ſuppoſing her to be the Mother, ſaid it was the young Lady he meant, who had done him the Honour to return ſuch and51 ſuch an Anſwer, upon his taking the Liberty to write to her the Day before. She aſſur'd him ſhe was the very Perſon he meant; that there was no other of the Name in that Houſe; and for farther Confirmation, takes the Letter out of her Boſom. He then begg'd ten thouſand Pardons, ſaid he was miſtaken in the Name; for that Letter was meant to another Lady about ſuch an Age, had ſuch Hair, Eyes, and every Features; and proceeded to deſcribe her very Dreſs; yet all this was not enough to convince Vainly: She did not intend to be ſo tantaliz'd. She affirm'd ſhe was not above Eighteen, had juſt ſuch Eyes; and that if he will but come up to the Light, he will find her every Ways as agreeable, if not exceed the other he talks of: But, alas! it was not in the Power of all her Charms and Rhetorick, to draw him one Inch farther. Poor Vainly was perfectly confounded at this unexpected Treatment, and Labour loſt; and what between Grief, Pride, and Reſentment, was ready to break out into loud Complaints, and offer'd to detain him by Force; which oblig'd the miſtaken Lover to take very abrupt Leave, extreamly perplex'd at the Diſappointment; but not without Hopes that a little more Caution and Induſtry, may at laſt bring him to the real52 Object of his Admiration: But I underſtand Vainly came pretty even with him afterwards; which I'll refer to ſome other Paper, when I am better inform'd of that Part of the Story.