A Fresh VVhip for al ſcandalous LYERS. OR, A true deſcription of the two eminent Pamphliteers, or Squibtellers of this KINGDOME.

I Muſt beginne with the Di­urnall-Writer firſt, as in­deed order it ſelfe doth en­joyne me, by the conſtant courſe of the dayes in the week; and whoſe large volumne is iſſued our every Munday morning. I may not unfitly tearme him to be the chiefe Dirt-raker, or Scafinger of the City; for what ever any other books lets fall, he will be ſure, by his troting horſe, and ambling Booke-ſelers have it convey'd to his wharfe of rubbiſh, and then he will as a many petty fogging ſcrivoners do (I may not exempt2 himſelfe out of the profeſſion) put out here and there to alter the ſence of the Relation; and then he ſhelters it under the title of a new and perfect Diurnall. This merchant when he hath loaden his Sheet (or Dung-Cart) with his ſtale infor­mations, and miſ-informations; then ye ſhall have him ſtrut up and down with his gingling ſpurs, as if he had a paire of Aarons Bells at his heeles, or that hee had done the ſtate mighty good ſervice. He was once a Stationer, till he crept into the little hole at Weſtminſter-Hall, where indeed he began his trade of inditing or framing; and ſo roſe at laſt to the ſtile of the Diurnall-Writer. I muſt confeſſe at his firſt be­ginning to write, he was very induſtrious, and would labour for the beſt intelligence, as his large volumnes do teſtifie, but when he found the ſweetneſſe of it, and how eaſily he could come by his intelligence, he fell to his ſports and paſtimes, for you ſhould hardly ever finde him at home all the weeke, till Saturday-morning, and then you ſhould be ſure to find him abed, panting and puffing as if he had over-rid him­ſelfe, with riding too and agen from the Army, when God-wot hee hath not been out of the Lynes of Communication; (but a little too3 much within the Lynes of M. M.) And ſo by this means making the poor workmen ſtand ſtill for their labour, and that which he ſhould do on Saturday, he muſt do on Sunday. This merchant hath his two Printers to attend his worke, whereof one hath a man, that rather then it ſhould be thought that he were not dili­gent enough for his Maſter, he will content himſelfe with a peice of Thurſdayes news for his Prayers, Fridayes Intelligence for the firſt Sermon, and Saturdayes for the afternoone Lecture, and if it do not hold them over-long, he will ſit downe and ſing a Pſalme, or take a pipe of Tobacco, and think he hath done God good ſervice. 'Tis a ſhame ſuch a Conventicle (I can tearm it no otherwiſe) which tends to the diſhonour of God, ſhould be ſuffered.

Now I muſt doe as many falſe Prognoſtica­tors miſtake, or skip 3. dayes in the change of the Moone: I muſt come to Friday, ſtiled the Perfect Occurrence Writer. He whoſe face is made of Braſſe, his body of Iron, and his teeth are as long as tenpenny-nayles. I think he is a youth not unknown to moſt in the City ſince the great preferment he had to ſtand in the Pillory. He is a great merchant in this way4 of writing, and very excellent for framing a Title for an old, or new lye. This is he that when our men lay of one ſide of Shotover-Hill againſt Oxford, he got the favour to diſcharge a peece of Ordnance againſt the City, when he had done, for London he came, with a grea­ter report and execution then ever the piece did, that he had ſhot down one of the chiefeſt Col­ledges in the Vniverſity, and that he could per­ceive the very Battlements to fall: and after this great victory of his, becauſe he would be taken notice of, hee cauſes his Printer to ſet downe the very place where he lives, as for example, London printed for Thomas Walker living at a great brick houſe and balcony, as you turne up to St. James's; when indeed the three cornerd houſe without a roofe, turning up to Padingion were more fitter. He was an Ironmonger in St. Martins by his trade, where having but little trading for his Tinkerly ware, fell to this trade of miſ-informing; and ſo by his venomous pen framing, and with his cha­ſing diſhes of Hell, hee hath beſtrowd the whole City, nay the whole Kingdome with unſavory languages, and burning coales of con­tention. This merchant I muſt needs confeſſe5 doth take a great deale more pains then the o­ther in compacting his relations together, and it doth chiefly lye in running up and down, he may well be called the Bellman of the City, for he is up all houres in the night, running to and agen, from the Poſt-houſe; and when he is queſtioned with who goes there; my name is VValker, J am about the States ſervice, pray do not ſtop me: when he hath been at a Printing houſe, laying his ſovver Leven of raylings and ſcandalizings againſt honeſt, and reverend men; or elſe compacting his damnable lyes together. Witneſſe how many times hath he taken and killed Prince Rupert, and Prince Maurice, and Sr. Ralph Hopton: he hath an ex­cellent faculty to put a new title to an old book, and he wil be ſure to put more in the Title page then is in all the booke beſides; how many victories, and ſometimes ſmall loſſes hath he fram'd, and eſpecially out of Ireland, and many times ſtrange ſights in the ayre, appearing like Champions ready to encounter. I wonder he never met with the Divell, but indeed he was ever a favourer of Lyes, and I believe hath granted him a large Patten for his profeſſion. Nay rather then he will be out of action, he6 will robbe Hammon of his Patten of one ſide, and draw out a liſt of halfe a ſide with Ma­lignants names, or Horſes, and frame an Order as from the Houſe whereby they may ſell; For his Fridayes Occurrences he doth take a great deale of paines to keep up the ſale of them, he doth as many times Grocers uſe to do by their mouldy, muſty ware, take and ſhake them to­gether with a new gloſſe of Hony, and they will paſſe as if they came newly over. So when hee hath compacted all his Rubbiſh or Ribaldry together, he will ſet them off with an Order or Ordinance of Parliament. I could in­large my ſelfe a great deale more, but J would keepe within the compaſſe of my ſheete. And conclude with this, that I do think that his, and many other ſcurrillous Pamphlets, have done more miſchief in the kingdome then ever all my Lord of Eſſex's, or Sir Thomas Fairefaxes whole traine of Artillery ever did.