A full ANSWER to a Scandalous Pamphlet, intituled, A Character of a LONDON-DIURNALL.
SUrely, when he drew this Character, he never thought of the Greeke Alphabet, for the very remembrance of theſe two Characters, ד and ח might have then given him a ſufficient admonition, to beware of ſuch virulent extravagancie: But I wonder at his ambition, ſince having merited the Laurell in this famous Univerſitie, he could not be content, but would ſtill aſpire to become a Graduate in the triple Academie, and to put on Doctor Stories Cap, with a Wreath of a more ignominious and fatall conſequence, then that which he firſt aimed at: But ſince he hath pleaſed himſelfe, and his Partie, by acting the old Comedie è Plaustro, to the ſcandall of our Honourable Senate, it is requiſite alſo, that by acting the old Tragedie in the Cart, be ſhould ſatisfie juſtice. But though his tongue hath extremely tranſgreſſed the limits of Truth, Modeſtie, and Loyalty, yet I hope that the hearts of his Judges will demonſtrate mercy.
He labours about the pedigree of a Diurnall, as that2 Conventus Aſinorum, or Colledge of Heralds, were wont to ſweat about derivation of the deſcent of ſome vaine-glorious Novice, from Godfrey of Bulleyn, or Ieffrey of Aniou; but not improperly, though unwittingly, he calls it the Parliaments Booke of Maccabees, for the Maccabees (we know) were the Heroick Vindicators of the Iewiſh Lawes and Liberties, from tyrannicall violence and crueltie. I confeſſe, I find in Diurnals no ſuch politique maximes, as be in Tacitus his Annals, nor doe I accompt them ſo authentique as Livies Decades; yet experience ſhewes, that they uſually render ſo much truth, as will make the moſt clamorous Malignant as ſilent as a Seriphian frog, and appeare with a face as ill as his heart; yea, make him looke like vanquiſhed Marſyas, bring him into ſuch an Epilepſie of melancholy, that none can helpe him but his white Witch Aulicus, who applying a fictitious charme, cures him as well as dancing doth thoſe which are ſtung with a Tarantula. He tells us of the miracle of Zealand, but I wonder more at this of Cleveland; who hath here a more numerous birth of monſtrous and deſperate conceits in one ſheet, then the Counteſſe of Meurs had conceptions betweene two: but ſuch prodigious births, may prove as fatall to the one as to the other.
He ſaith, that the houſe of Commons ſit as Judges of the twelve Tribes of Iſrael: but he is much miſtaken in his accompt, for they judge onely two Tribes, viz. Superſtitious Levi, and the Malignant Tribe of Dan. Theſe two Tribes were the principall ſticklers in the erection and adoration of the Calfe in Horeb: ought they not therefore to be judged? He calls the Parliament the Kingdomes Anatomie, in ſtead of the Kingdomes Epitome; and this is one of Will Toolyes miſtakes.
3He brands our Aſſembly of Divines with the reproachfull tearme of Empericks, and twits them for thumbing of Diurnalls: I ſhould rather have thought they might have beene taunted for thumping of Pulpits then thumbing of Diurnalls: But I dare aſſert, that for the myſticall Urim and Thummim, wherewith every Miniſter ought to be qualified, theſe whom he tearmes Empericks, and ſpirituall Dragooneers, doe as farre ſurpaſſe their pontificall Canoneers, and Cathedrall Recluſes, as Swans doe Geeſe.
He ſaith, that the State ſtaleth blood; and here, he is in the right: for both Church and State have endured many terrible fits of the Stone, and Strangury, ever ſince their partie obſtructed thoſe paſſages, by which the evacuation of excrementitious abuſes ſhould be made.
He compares the Diurnallists, and Aulicus, to the Divell, and the Exorciſt, or to a blacke and a white Witch; but more properly, they may be repreſented in Ocnus and his Aſſe: for the Diurnallists twiſts ropes of diſcourſes, and that Oxford Aſſe devoures them, and they proving very hard in concoction; he refunds them to his Malignants, which licke them up with as much greedineſſe, as the ſmaller Poets doe Homers Vomit. But if he will needs make Aulicus a Witch, he ſhall be a Witch of Lapland, for he envelopes Malignant aire in paper, as they doe winds in clouts.
This Naturall would bind politicall affaires to a phyſicall condition, and therefore out of the abundance of ignorance, and loyaltie, he impleades the Parliament of baſtardie; not conſidering that Regall power, in relation to the publike good, is ever conſiſtent with the authoritie of the Parliament, howſoever his Majeſtie be in perſon4 abſent, or in will averſe: therefore whatſoever ordinances, tending to the preſervation or benefit of the Common-Wealth, ſhalbe concluded on in his abſence, they are to be accompted legitimate, according to that infallible rule, Salus populi ſuprema lex eſto. Thus are our Ordinances no ſubventanious, or abortive births, but reall, mature, and Herculean Infants, deſtin'd and brought forth, to ſtrangle thoſe Serpents, ſent out by Malignant Iuno, to deſtroy our Religion, and Liberties.
He compares our Militia to Mars, who was borne without a father: but their Oxford Militia may more aptly be compared to the pernicious Cockatrice, who is hatched without a mother: As for our Parliament Votes, they are the ſame in effect with the Romanae Senatus conſultum, which had the validitie of a law a long time, even under their moſt tyrannicall Emperours. Nor can he really prove what he impudently would inferre, by his triviall compariſon of the Sexton and his Clock.
How exactly this Pedantique Heteroclite hath learned the Popiſh tricke of diſavowing of thoſe miſchiefes, which are evidently and truely theirs, the births of their damnable Plots have juſtly merited ſuch Midwives as were cruelly obtruded upon the Hebrew women: But ſince they have proved as ridiculous as the labours of the mountaines, or the nativitie of a cuſhion, we muſt therefore (next to God) thanke our vigilant Patriots at Weſtminster, whom unworthily, and wickedly, he aſperſeth with the opprobious appellation of Players and ſcenical Actors: wherefore, I may juſtly here retort upon him the Pſalmiſts reproofe; Thy tongue imagineth wickedneſſe, and with lyes thou cutteſt like a ſharpe raſor: thou haſt loved all words that may doe hurt, oh thou falſe tongue, &c. This Sophiſter will acknowledge no Plots, becauſe5 they were never fully effected: but had they ſucceeded according to their deſires, then no doubt they ſhould have bin juſtified with as much audacitie, as they are now diſavowed with impudence. I skip his Skippers and his Taylors, and bid him look upon the Plot of drawing up the Northerne Armies, and upon that which tended to the apprehenſion or aſſaſſinate of the ſix Members, on that of Waller, Tompkins, and Chaloner: theſe were no Chimaera's, no perſonated Devils. But I wonder not ſo much at the ſhameleſſe confidence of many, ſince ſome, who were Actors, have appeared ſo wretchedly obdurate, that the Ladder or Scaffold could not put them in mind of a true remorſe, or penitent confeſſion.
If all Array-men were with Canterbury, and the Lyons, the Kingdome might be at quiet; the dormant Articles need no cramping: they will awake ſoone enough, to wait upon Juſtice, and (I feare) before Canterbury be ready for his Voyage.
Names are but accidents; yet our Sword and Scepter have beene moſt frequently glorious, in the Name of Henry: but I am afraid, the wicked counſels of ſome will make the Name of Charles ſadly ominous. His ſuppoſition of Iſaac, and the Corne-cutter, is a ridiculous and prophane excreſcence of the Cornucopia of his wit, therefore this fellow ſeemes rather to deſerve a Crowne-cutter, then he to need a Corne-cutter; or he may better merit to be furniſhed with a Scale, though not according to his Votes, yet befitting his deſerts.
Don Quixote deſerves the patronage of theſe errant Cavaliers, who though they have not Valour enough to fight with Wind-mills, yet they have wit enough to plunder them. This fellow ought to retract his incongruities, for our Senatours are Men of the long Robe,6 and therefore uncapable of that appellation which belonged to that fantaſtique ſonne of Mars. As for Foxes, it is moſt certaine, that there be none more noxious to our State then Spaniſh Foxes, and a Brace of theſe wee have runne to ground at Oxford, where we hope (ere long) they ſhall be unkennell'd by our Terriers.
He thus having ſufficiently play'd upon our conſcript Patriots, proceeds in a ſecond part, to the ſame Tune, (through the invincible boldneſſe of his obſtreperous Gooſe-quill) to calumniate our Militarie Officers; and he begins with the Earle of Stamford, ſaying, that the people tooke him for one that danced a Morris, &c. but hee was miſtaken in the peoples opinions, for they were more ſadly ſenſible of another, who more properly may be ſayd to have danc'd the Morris in the Weſt, though he danc'd Lachrymae before Lyme.
The proprietie of Bankes his Horſe ſeemes to be in their great Atturney, and the Capariſon of a Sergeants Gowne ſutes the condition of that ingenious Jade better then a great Saddle. The loyaltie of their Corniſh Cavaliers merites Monuments of Ginger-bread, and the vertue of their Welch Worthies Statues of toſted Cheeſe. Our maſculine devoires admit no female Committees; though their Affaires depend too much upon the capacitie of that Sex. Hee contemptuouſly meaſures his Lordſhip by Saint Pauls ſtature, and imagines that Valour dwells onely in Carrack of Fleſh. Hee ſayth, that this Lord (by the helpe of a Diurnall) routed his enemies, at fiftie miles diſtance: I know not what Panick feare thoſe Weſterne Choughes might apprehend from his Lordſhips Name; for this hath heretofore beene very formidable to the Adverſaries of our State, therefore I ſuſpend my unbeleefe. But I have heard, that7 Prince Rupert (by the helpe of Aulieus) routed our Northerne Armie, for which Victorie they made Bonefires at Oxford; and yet I am certaine, that this ſtorie was more remote from truth, then his Lordſhip was from Hopton, when he was routed: but theſe are onely the ſlips of Fame, and not to be inſiſted on by the ſuperlative wit of an Univerſitie. His Lordſhips proweſſe needs no Paracelſian Sword, neither is the Valour of his Adverſaries onely to be abated by a Magicall Antidote; but the Weapon-Salve would have been a precious commoditie among them after Modbury field, where we made much worke for their Chirurgians; and there Sir Ralph Hopton was taught to relinquiſh the vertue of his hands, and to be beholding to the activitie of his heeles for his preſervation.
But (ſaith he) the Squibbe is run to the end of the rope: this is a miſcellaneous ſentence, for though the Squibbe be ridiculous, yet the end of the rope is as fatall as the ſciſſours of his Lady Atropos. He enveighes againſt Sir William Waller, and his companion in Armes, and by a ſcurrilous compariſon ſeekes to imbaſe their approved worth, but his ſlandrous language is a moſt forcible argument of their Valour and fidelitie. The Mountebanke and Zany, are a paire of couples fit for his Court Spaniels, and nothing pertinent to heroick fraternities.
Nor can the Tranſlators of the Pſalmes eſcape his extravagant madneſſe, but they muſt have a laſh for their pious endeavours.
He would make Sir Ralph Hopton (in this reſpect) cōparable to ſome of their Clergy; theſe have Pluralities of Livings, & he muſt have a Plurality of Lives: Indeed, when it was reported he was beaten, the world (who til then had ſuch a ſtrong opinion of his Valour) preſently gave him8 for dead, for few could be perſwaded that this flower of Chivalrie would ever have condiſcended to make his Spurs of honour acceſſorie to an ignominious flight; yet ſince that, he hath more then once given them occaſions to alter their opinions, But though the naturall life can be loſt but once, yet there is a morall life which conſiſts in honour & reputation, & this merits more eſteem then that which is annexed to fleſh and blood; but the ſame may be loſt more then once: and in this regard, their Champion of the Weſt was ſlaine both by the Earle of Stamford and Sir William VValler:
This Fellowes tearmes are ſuch, that he ſeemes rather to have beene brought up among the ſcumme of raſcalitie, then in a Nurſerie of manners and Arts, but a time may come when he may be called to anſwer for all his barbarous incivilities, and that rude paronomaſie, and other abuſes moſt intemperately vomited againſt the name and perſon of his Excellency.
He mentions Round-VVay-Downe, where the Valour of Sir William Waller was more conſpicuous, then his diſaſter notorious; for after he had given Hopton ſeverall encounters & defeates, and forced him to take Sanctuary in the Devizes, after he had ſlaine Greenvile their Corniſh Achilles, with many of his Myrmidons: I ſay, after he had reduced Hopton to ſuch a deſperate condition, that he muſt have beene ſurpriſed within the ſpace of 24 houres, he was unexpectedly charged by a freſh Brigade, and ſo was conſtrained to leave his prey, retreating without any ſingular loſſe.
This Fellowes malice hath tranſported him into ſuch an extaſie, that he not onely labours to ſcandalize good men and their laudable actions, but to abuſe holy Scripture, yea even the moſt ſacred part of the Scripture, the9 Goſpel it ſelfe: and therein that myſtick word of gratulation which was applied to our moſt glorious Saviour in his tryumphant Entrata into Hieruſalem, this holy benediction he diſtorteth to his ludibrious purpoſe in a blaſphemous manner. Names are but circumſtantiall adjuncts, and nothing pertaining to the eſſence of ſanctity; yet certainly, a Chriſtian may more decently beare a name borrowed from the Hebrews, then the heathen, and our moſt frequent names come from them, as Iohn, Thomas, &c. yea Dionyſius of Alexandria, an ancient Father of the Primitive Church, ſaith plainly; That as we ought to ſtrive to imitate the actions of the Apoſtles, ſo we ought to give their names unto our infants, that the ſame may put them in mind to follow the examples of thoſe pious men whom they ſo nearely reſemble in their names: but how abſurdly this pedantique Drole would inferre, that his Majeſtie may lawfully make uſe of the Iriſh Rebells, becauſe the Liſt of Generall Cromwells Regiment conſiſts of Hebrew names, for he vainly pretends, that the impoſion of an exotick name may tranſlate a perſon to the condition of an Alien. I am not acquainted with Generall Cromwells perſon, therefore I could never obſerve the poſture of his neck: but this I know, that the moſt noble and glorious Commander which the world ever had carried his neck awry. It is true that, or his complexion, or his Valour, ſo dazled their young Eagle, that he durſt not looke him in the face at Long-Marſton, but it was his bloody Sword, not his bloody Beake, which made them run almoſt toward every point of the Compaſſe.
Images in Churches are obnoxious to Superſtitious abuſes, and therefore may be juſtly taken away or demoliſhed; but from violation of Monuments, or diſturbance of the repoſe of the dead, I confidently beleeve,10 his hands are as cleare as his accuſers tongue is guilty of a ſlanderous aſperſion; but were he faultie of what is layd to his charge, yet I doubt not, but he might procure a Certificate under Prince Ruperts hand, that he dares fight againſt creatures of a more lively conſtitution, then Images or Statues. He ſpeakes of a running banquet, and ſurely he meanes that which Generall Cromwell invited his Highneſſe and the Marqueſſe of New-Caſtle to, at Long-Marſton, when Generalls and Lieutenant Generalls ran like Lance-ſpeſſado's, or Iriſh Foot-men; ſome fled Weſtward, as if they meant to take Sanctuarie in the Divels — of peake; and ſome Eaſtward, never turning head till they had meaſured the breadth of the Germane Ocean. As for his whiſtling to the Cambridge Committee, I beleeve it is an expreſſion of more ſenſe and honeſty, then the tongue of this back-biter can deliver, or his heart imagine, and he that reads him backward or forward, ſhall find him valiant and faithfull, if he conſtrues him rightly. Rifling of Colledges, and demoliſhing of Churches, are falſe imputations of that bleare-ey'd malice which cannot diſtinguiſh abuſes from things: Sacriledge is not entailed upon him, but Religion, Vertue, and the Spirit of Reformation runs in his blood: For as his noble Anceſtor overthrew thoſe Houſes of Superſtition, Sloth, and Senſualitie, ſo he labours to purge Cathedrals of thoſe abuſes which threaten ruine to true Religion: But this Fellow, out of his iniquitie, or weakneſſe of judgement, takes Reformation for Robbery, and it may concerne him in time to crave the benefit of the Clergie, which will hardly be granted, becauſe he hath made ſuch bad uſe of his learning; but there can be no greater benefit, both to the Clergie and Laitie, then a true Reformation.
11His perſonall Reproaches ſpeake him rather to be one of the Aſſembly at Billinſgate, then a member of our Univerſitie. Whether it were the Holyneſſe of Manchester, or the Vigilancie of Cromwell, that defeated their unſanctified Crew ſo often, we need not examine, ſince we know they have beene almoſt as fatall to thoſe Punick Cavaliers, as thoſe two Roman Thunderbolts of Warre were to the Adverſaries of their Common-wealth; and it hath appeared, that Michael and the Lord of Hoſtes have beene their Aſſiſtants. The Earle of Manchesters Victories amply prove the unanimitie of his Souldiers, and their Diviſions are but the Devices of this fellowes malignant condition: it makes much for the credit of his partie, to call thoſe who have ſo frequently beaten them, a companie of winking Cowards. He rayles againſt the breakers of Monuments, yet ſpits Venome on the aſhes of the dead: He argues, as if Vertues and Vices were hereditarie things, and like an abſolute Pelagian, he goes about to derive Religious Sanctitie from a naturall cauſe, ſo corrupt is his Divinitie. Neither his Lordſhip nor the Scottiſh Myſts are ſo noxious to the eyes of this Kingdome, as their French and Spaniſh Myſts, for theſe have almoſt put out the eyes of both King and Kingdome. As for the knowing loyaltie he ſpeakes of, it is but a meere pedantick Hereſie in policie, cryed up by their Pontificall Rabbies, againſt Conſcience, becauſe it is a ſupport of their Lordly Dignities; and moſt of the light-headed Levites follow the example of their Reverend Bel-weathers. His Lordſhip hath no way appeared an enemie to Learning, but to Ignorance and Superſtition, perſonated with Religion and Learning, and his Treaſons are nothing elſe but the fictitious Idaea's of this fellowes malignant imagination, who in this ſlanderous12 aſperſion hath approved himſelfe to be an arch-traytor to Truth.
The Accompt of his Lordſhips Victories is written in the bloud of his Adverſaries, and this Balaam hath not propheſied in vaine; ſo often hath our Chriſtian Knight defeated thoſe ſwearing Nimrods, and Pagan Cavaliers. As for Loſſes (thanks be to God) they out-vye us ten for one; but the innocent bloud ſpilt by their Iriſh Auxiliaries ſtill cryes for Vengeance, and ſhall doubtleſſe be heard: Thoſe ſavage Villaines, that merit interdiction of fire and water, are reputed good Catholique ſubjects, while others, of ſingular integritie and loyaltie toward God, their King and Countrey, are called barbarous Rebels: Videat Deus, & judicet.
In his wonted ſcurrilitie, he taxeth Sir William Brereton and Sir Iohn Gell, Gentlemen of approved worth and valour, whoſe fortunate and Heroick actions juſtly give the Lye to his opprobrious appellation. The firſt of theſe, hath beene a terrible ſlaughter-man to their Iriſh Canibals, and ſhewed himſelfe a tall trencher-man at divers bloudie breakfaſts which he gave to thoſe uncivill gueſts. As for his reſemblance of the Beaſt, it is onely a fallacie of this detractors vitiated fancie.
He is ſo ſeaſoned with malignancie, that goodneſſe in others, to him ſeemes miraculous: it is an Aenigma to his dunghill ſpirit, that noble Fairfax ſhould ſtand up in Vindication of Religion, from Atheiſme and Superſtition, and the Common-wealth from a Tyrannicall and Arbitrarie Power. He might have ſpared his diſtinction of a perſonall and a politicall capacitie, for his Lordſhip is no creature of a double ſhape, no Centaure, but the very Hercules, or Theſeus, that combates thoſe Cloud-bred Monſters. He ſomewhat ſtrangely compares his13 Lordſhip to an Aegyptian Chicken; but we muſt adde too, that he is of a generous kind, for their fierceſt Lions tremble at his voyce.
Me thinkes he ſhould forbeare to call Generall Browne Wood-monger, becauſe this very tearme might make them call to mind, how often he hath cudgel'd their Militia, even from the Generaliſſimo to the Corporall.
All good men can atteſt, that there was need of a Reformation both in Church and State, which before this time might have beene happily perfected by the Parliament, if they had not beene maliciouſly interrupted by thoſe Babylonian Sanballats.
The name of Tinker may be moſt properly applyed to their Corniſh Mettall-men, thoſe ſubterraneous ſpirits of darkneſſe, whom they have rayſed from the Weſterne Stannaries; or to thoſe Iriſh Rogues, whom thoſe Oxford Foxes, Cottington and Digby, have ſent for over to hammer in pieces both Church and State, ſo they may accompliſh their wicked ends and purpoſes.
He hath very charitably tranſlated the name of Rebels, from his Conſorts the bloudie Iriſh, to his innocent Proteſtant Brethren: but the juſtneſſe of our Cauſe is warrantable both by the Fundamentall Lawes of our Kingdome and Divine Ordinances; therefore we confidently retort upon him and his Faction the name of Rebels with more bitter reproach; then he can or ever could fixe the ſame upon us, that endeavour to be found really loyall to God, our King, and Kingdome. Our Victories have not beene Magicall, but truly Martiall: At Edge-Hill it was evident, that the epithete of Invincible was as vainely applyed to their formidable Cavaliers, as to the Spaniſh Armado in 88. At Newbury we did cut out our paſſage by dint of Sword, and march over14 their bellyes. Neere Yorke wee totally routed their numerous Miſcellanie, and layd thouſands upon the ground: Therefore I know not what his Triumvirate of Bladders can more genuinely imply, then thoſe three Puffes of Nobilitie which were prick'd at Newbury.
As for our Fancies, they are firme and ſound; but Hee, and his partie, are impoſtumated Members of this Common-wealth, and incurable (I feare) without inciſion, or abſciſſion.