THE Presbyterian Laſh. OR, NOCTROFF'S MAID WHIPT. A Tragy-Comedy. AS It was lately Acted in the Great Roome at the Pye Tavern at Algate. By Noctroffe the Prieſt, and ſeverall his Pariſhoners at the eating of a chine of Beefe.
The firſt Part.
LONDON: Printed for the uſe of Mr. Noctroffs friends, and are to be ſold at the Pye at Algate, 1661.
KNowing that it is your great ambition (for the carrying on of your deſignes) to be popular, as your many pamphlets againſt Divine Service and Epiſcopacy, do ſufficiently demonſtrate: and Sir, knowing that your own time is ſo extreamly taken up in preparing and fitting your ſelf to cant forth ſedition at St. Antholins, where I out of curioſity was lately to hear you, and believing that it is your intent to raiſe your ſelf as high as your late Patron Hugh Peters; and rather than a week ſhould paſſe, and ſomewhat of your name not appear in print, I have made bold to publiſh this piece, hoping, though it may have as little ſence in it as ſome of your own, you will patronize it: and Sir, Ile aſſure you, that ſo ſoon as I can receive perfecter intelligence of your late tranſactions in your pariſh, and be better informed of your deſignes, I ſhall publiſh them to the world, that your fame may never dye. Thus, Sir, hoping, though I preſent not one of theſe myſelf to you, yet you will protect this from this Cenſorious Age; I reſt
IF ever I heard the like, would I might be hang'd.
I proteſt 't will be an eternal ſhame to our Pariſh, that ſuch a fellow as this ſhould be permitted to live amongſt us, 'tis a fine age I'faith when ſuch Belſwaggers muſt be taking up Wenches Petticoats, We ſhall in time have neither our Wives nor Daughters live quietly by them, at leaſt we ſhall hardly get them to Church, for fear of their Bumfiddles, if once they hear how Mr. Parſon begins with wenches of eighteen.
Pox take him, hee's cunninger at a Girle than we took him for — I warrant he thought that the tickling the Wenches buttocks with the Rod, would provoke her to Lechery, O they are a company of dry whoremaſters, ſtill Sows i'faith; or elſe it may be the poor Whores breech was ſo cold that ſhe could not bear it out ſtoutly againſt a bench or bed ſide, and therefore he was reſolved to warme it.
Come neighbour, you'l never leave off this waggiſh talk, but Prethee what do people report it was for?
Why truly brother, there are ſo many reports why and wherefore, that a man does not know what to make on't: Some ſay that coming home one night, after he had been exercizing, or labouring, which you pleaſe, at St. Antholins, ſweating like a Bull, he calls for his little Sattin Cap, to ſhift that on his head, (for though he debominates a what de'e call it, three cornered Biſhops cap, yet he can as well be hang'd as preach without one) but O miſery, by the carefulneſſe of his Maid Joan, the cap was fallen into the Embers in the chimney-corner, which had ſo heated it, that what with his afternoons exercize, and power of the Seacol aſhes, his brains were ſo ſet on fire by next morning, that away into Kent-ſtreet he poſts, buyes me a bundle of birch, comes home, calles his maid Joan into his cloſet, takes up her coates, and to firking he goes by wholeſale.
Pox take her for an ignorant Whore, could not ſhee cry out a Rape? O that I had been one of the Jury, if he had come to have been arraigned.
I, or I either, I would have taught him how to play at ſlats y'faith, or to take up linnen upon truſt, without paying for it.
Paying for't? Nay faith they ſay the poor Wench was paid ſoundly: ſhe had little reaſon to ſay ſhe was not paid, he flaw'd her ſweetly; but come neighbour, we muſt be ſerious, ſuch ſcandals as theſe muſt not be paſt by without taking notice of, while we are Church-wardens; I'me ſure we ſhall have Neighbour Gooſe the Carpenter, and Lelly the Chaundler to joyn with us in petitioning for his rejection; and though they5 be Rogues of a worſe ſect then he, yet they'l do more towards it than we can, as times goe.
I cannot endure the ſight of thoſe Independent Raſcalls, but it's no matter, if they will but ſerve our buſineſſe, I'le try how I can bear looking upon them.
Hang them, I care for them for no other end: but 'whiſt, here they come.
Good morrow neighbours, have you heard what a firker our Parſon Noctroffe is grown?
Yes truly neighbours, we have heard it, and are very much grieved that a man who profeſſes himſelf a teacher of the Goſpel is become a ſcandall to his profeſſion, and the Church, contrary to the rule of the Apoſtle Paul in the —
Nay, Good neighbour Gooſe, no canting; We are very unſenſible how it is not only contrary to Goſpel, but good Manners to take up a Wenches Petticoats, Smock and all; but what ſhall we do to get him out? that he may not in time ſerve our wives ſo.
Truly neighbours we ſhall be very free to joyn with you in ſo good a work, for I can prove by many Texts of Scripture, that ſcandalous teachers are to be rejected: as firſt, —
Nay good Neighbour we have no need now of your proofs, but let us looſe no time, but adviſe what courſe we ſhall take.
Truly I can ſay no more to this, till we have heard the maid her ſelf relate what, and how this was brought to paſſe: but my brother and I here have ſome other Articles to draw up againſt him, and then we will meet again, and ſpeak with the chaſtized and afflicted Damoſell.
Agreed, we will meet you here about half an houre hence.
Ha! a fine diſcovery!
A flat downright conſpiracy againſt Honeſt Mr. Noctroffe to turn him out of his living; but who could expect better from ſuch a crew as there was met together? a couple of as Arch-Profane-Epiſcopal-Antichriſtian-Cavaliers, as any are in England, & another of cunning-ſubtle-ſly-deviliſh-hypocrytical, & Antichriſtian Independents too; match me two ſuch couple in all the territories of the Whore of Babylon, and I'me miſtaken. The firſt he ſticks to Popiſh ceremonies, whether the Pope will or no, ſo he is ſure of him; but the laſt is meerly drawn in by a Jeſuitical party: Well, let people talk what they will of one Antichriſt, I do verily proteſt and believe, that there are two in this very Pariſh; here is ſuch heaving, and ſetting one againſt another: Ephraim againſt Many-aſſes, and Many-aſſes againſt Ephraim, and both againſt our Judah, or rather our David, honeſt Mr. Noctroffe: Well, but I'le e'ne go and provide him againſt their aſſault. O but here comes my Neighbour Forger the Uſurer, wee'le e'ne go together.
Good morrow Neighbour Light.
Thank you kind Mr. Forger: Oh! I have made the braveſt diſcovery to day; here's Carp the Brewer, and his fellow-Church-Warden, with Gooſe and Lelly, have been conſpiring together to draw up Articles to turn out hodeſt Mr. Noctroff.
Is't poſſible?
Poſſible! Why I proteſt I over-heard them diſcourſe of it; but if they turn him out of the Pariſh, they ſhall turn me too; and before they ſhall do that, I'le ſpend a brace of hundred pounds, or two brace if need be.
And truly neighbour I think you will do very well in it.
Truly Neighbour I'le aſſure you I will not ſee that honeſt man wronged; I have bettered by his Teaching many years before he came into our Pariſh; and now he is in, he ſhall not go out in haſt if I can help it.
No truly Neighbour ſhould he not.
Nor ſhall not Neighbour; I hope one day to be an Elder of his Congregation, for all this; Sure thoſe in Power will have more wit then to turn him out of his Living for chaſtizing his Servant. But come neighbour, let us tell him what ſnares they have prepared againſt him, that he may avoid them.
With all my heart.
WHy truly Brother Light you do a Chriſtianlike Work thus to inform me how, and where the Wicked have pitched their ſnare againſt me; but I truſt the Lord will deliver me out of their pits; however I would win them rather by fair meanes to deſiſt from their wicked courſes, then let them perſiſt therein to their own deſtruction. Good Brother let me perſwade you to go to them, and deſire to know the reaſons of their diſtaſte againſt me.
Sir, 'tis principally about your Maid.
Alas Brother! I hope you think that a man may lawfully chaſtize his Servants for their ſouls good; but pray tell them I ſhall be ready to ſatisfie them in that or any other point that troubles them.
I ſhall uſe my utmoſt endeavour to reſtraine them.
Do good Brother.
WElcome Neighbours, I'me ene very glad to ſee you ſo wel men according to your words: What Mr. Gooſe, have you brought any thing againſt Mr. Noctroffe, pray let's ſee.
Never fear Sir, we ſhall have that to ſhow againſt him, he will hardly claw off in haſt; but will the Maid come hither, that we may hear more fully what ſhe can ſay againſt him.
I, I, ſhe will be bere preſently; but pray when ſhe comes, let me have the examination of her, I love ſuch baudy ſtories with all my heart.
It will better become Mr. Lelly, as the moſt elderly man.
Faith you ſay right; and I have often heard too, that the brothers and ſiſters when they are alone, are very expert in baudy diſcourſes. But ſee, ſhe and her Mother Gamar Trounce are come; Well ſay what you will, I will ſhoot my bolt now and then, though it be but a fooliſh one, yet out it muſt.
You're very welcome good Woman; is this your Daughter, ſhe that was ſo unſeemly chaſtiſied by profane Noctroffe.
I do not know what you mean by ſeemly nor Chaſtized neither; but this is my Daughter that Mr. Noctroffe like a baſe ſneaking man as he was, tooke and whipt as though ſhe had been a Dog; Ah, and I had been by, I'de have clawd out his eyes, that I would, like an uncivil fellow as he was, to go to take up my Girls Petticoats, and at that age too, when ſhe was as able to bear Children as his Mother —
Peace good Woman, and let your Daughter anſwer for her ſelf. Maid, For what Cauſes or Reaſons did he uſe thee ſo.
Truly ſir he ſaid very little to that purpoſe your Worſhip ſpeaks of, but told me he muſt chaſtize me for the good of my ſoul.
Alas poor man —
Hold good Neighbour; but pray Maid, where was it that he performed this unſeemly act in the ſight of God and Man.
Oh no Sir, he was too cloſe to do it ſo publikely. Indeed Sir he calld me into his private Cloſet, and there by main force uſed me ſo ſeemly as your Worſhip ſayes.
But did he attempt no farther? Had he not ſome deſign to have raviſht thee, and when he could not compaſs that, did the other in revenge?
Truly your Worſhip ſpeaks very likely, for while he was ſtrugling to get up my Coates, he would often thruſt up his hand — I am aſhamed to tell you where.
And wert thou ſuch a fool as not to cry out a Rape.
O Lord, he ſaid he would whip me to death if I did but cry out, or ſqueak —
A perfect intended Rape I dare proteſt.
Truly Neighbour I am of your mind clearly; for firſt, Why ſhould he call a Virgin of that age and parts into a privy-houſe?
No ſir, no, it was not in the Houſe of Office, and ' •had, I could have got away from him, for theres never a Lock, nor never a Key to that door, but his Cloſet-door has a great Lock to it; beſides therts a Bench ſtands ſo conveniently. —
Alas poor Wench, all things conſpired againſt thy Buttocks that day; but prethee did he whip thee with a rod, or clap thee with his hand.
Sir, he had a great Birchen Rod as big as a broom almoſt; and yet he gave me two or three claps with his hand; but if he had done no more, I would ne're have ſpoke on't, that I would not; Ile warrant I had learnt to play at clap — from a child.
A Pox take him for a Letcherons thief, I warrant thou haſt a good pair of Buttocks, and he could as well as be hang'd as ſee, and not be a feeling too; but did he ſee no farther then thy back-ſide.
O yes, I tumbled and rould over and over, quite the length of the form, but durſt not cry out any other then, O good Maſter, for goodneſs ſake —
Alas poor Girl; no, Ile dare ſay't, I warrant thou hadſt not been whipt a great while before; I dare ſay Gentlemen, that I have not whipt her my ſelf this ten years, and then poor thing, ſhe would cry out the prettileſt would do your heart good to hear her; but if I thought Mr. Denwall, as you ſay, that he pretended to raviſh her, I'de trounce him Ile warrant you, for all he is the Parſon of our pariſh —
How do you know but he might have done it?
By my Fackins-law, and I don't know neither, What ſay you Joan? Did he —? Speak Wench, if he did, ne're be afraid to tell it —
Speak Wench; if he did, thou art not the firſt that ſuch a Belſwagger has raviſht.
No truly Sir, I don't know, I can't tell; yet ſometimes when he put his hand between my Thighs to keep me on upon the Form, he tickled me ſo, that I think I was almoſt raviſht with it.
A fine piece of Baudery to be acted by a Parſon, think ye Gentlemen. But who comes here?
Oh! his Friend Light. Well, good Woman and your Daughter, you may go, but I hope you won't fail to aſſiſt us in a Courſe at Law with him.
No I warrant you Sir, he ſhant whip my Daughter for nothing.
WEll, truly Neighbours I am very ſorry to ſee you ſo buſie about a thing of nothing, to go and endeavour to turn out an honeſt, pious, religious, and pains taking man out of your Pariſh; but he whoſe Cauſe it is, will not let you proſper:
Thou'rt a pretty fellow to make this a good Cauſe, or call him an honeſt or pious man that caſts ſuch ſcandals upon us and the whole Pariſh; I grant you he may be a pains taking man; for it ſeems he took extraordinary pains with his Maid.
Truly it was a very filthy, baſe, I will not ſay baudy action; (for I would not have ſuch a prophane word in mouth): And truly I think not to be permitted or tolerated in a Pariſh beſides, there are many other things too, we have againſt him, that it's a very ſhame —
Why good neighbour we know how much you are his enemy, but for all your ſcandalls and inventions and pretences, he will be found an honeſt good man in the end.
An honeſt man yes a very honeſt man, a divil rather or worſe then a divil; a meer wolfe clad like a little like a ſheep, though a man may eaſiely diſcern him through his gown? one that thinks it ſanctity to damne all but his own followers, whom under a ſhow and pretence of Preciſeneſs hee ſeduces, Oh a ſermon of an hour and a half long, with a mouth drawne aſide and one eye winkt withall (as if he would ſpy among his Pariſhioners which is moſt like to be cheated) is a fine Cloake to cover a diſembler and to couzen the world in —
Your a baſe ſcandelous fellow thus to abuſe a Perſon of his Coat learning and honeſty,
His coate! what do ye mean neighbour his maids Peticoates he has not put them on ſince he took them up, has he?
I your e'ne of the ſame Gang a couple of baſe Profane cheating rogues and villaines as you are.
bear witneſs Neighbour.
I witneſs what you will I ſay again and again you are a profane Cheating rogue and Ile prove you ſo now carp and catch at what you will or can
I believe I ſhall have ſome Catch-poles for you friend, ere it be long: What ſatisfaction can you give me for the defaming my Credit, as you have done? But what do I talk to you of ſatisfaction? You have juſt ſuch a Conſcience as your Ring leader Noctroffe; and his is as hard as his Pulpit.
I, I, go on and talk what you will, you ſhail finde either him or me hard enough for you, and both he and his Pulpit ſhall ſtand in ſpight of your teeths —
Well ſaid Waſp; but now you talk of his Pulpits ſtanding, wee'l make him make that he has pull'd down, ſtand again, or wee'l make him hold up his hand at the Bar for ſtealing from the Pariſh; They are not ſuch fools yet as to let the Pulpit be taken away where they may one day ſee an honeſt man ſtand again.
Talk on, talk on; Come neighbours Gooſe and Lelly, you are not ſo profane as theſe two, Churchwardens do you call them, they are not fit to bear any office either in Church or State; they have a trick to bring in the Popiſh Biſhops, with their Tippets and Surplices, and other Fopperies, and now they would turn out honeſt Mr. Noctroffe to bring in a Popiſh Prelatical Parſon, as profane as themſelves.
Indeed Neighbour, if we thought they had any ſuch intention, we would have nothing to do with them, for we would do all for the beſt, and we have hopes to bring in one that is an honeſt godly man indeed.
Come, come Neighbour, take no heed to what he ſays now; he ſees he cannot prevail with us to perſiſt from ſeeking Juſtice by his Railing and Brawling, he fiddles I know not what into your ears to make you fall off from us, but I hope you'l have more wit.
I, but indeed Neighbour if you intend any ſuch thing as he ſays, we cannot in conſcience ſtick to you to turn out a bad to take in a worſe.
Come come lets firſt turn him out and then wee'l think of diſcommodating the bufineſs as well as we can afterwards.
I, I, neighbour Lelly they ſpeak but reaſon, we ſhall not fall out, let him but be out firſt.
Go, go you are fool, but Ile not be fool'd by none of them I wont aſſiſt in the turning him out except we may be aſſured that Mr. Simp may come in.
I'me glad to ſee this however that though my purſe is like to pay for my tongue; yet they are ſo fallen out amongſt themſelves that they will very heardly do Mr. Noctroffe any hurt I'le go and acquaint him.
Wel all that I can ſay to it then, is that if you wonnot do it, Wee'l do it our ſelves; come Neighbour Denwall come.
But here comes Light:
Neighbour, what news?
I have been Sir with your Enemies, and there Mr. Carp that prophane Fellow uttered ſo many ſcandals againſt you, that I could not refrain my tongue: But I am afraid I have ſpoke ſomewhat will coſt my purſe.
O brother, you ſhould learn to bridle your paſſions.
Indeed Sir I could not, they were ſo high, and had got there your Maid and her Mother in Examination, and did ſo rail at you, that it was impoſſible for fleſh and blood to hold: So I expect an action every minute.
I am ſorry for't, that you ſhould ſuffer for your love to me — but who are theſe?
Tis as I told you Sir, they'r Serjeants.
Mr: Light, I have an action againſt you.
At whoſe ſuit Sir?
At Mr. Carps.
What is it Sir?
An Action Sir, I told you.
But for how much, or for what?
An Action of Defamation in a thouſand pounds.
Well Gentlemen, if you'l take my word, Ile engage he ſhall put in Bail to your action within this two hours.
I am content, ſo he pay my fees.
Here they be.
Farewel Sir, thank you.
I told you ſo ſir, that this croſs fellow would be upon my back ere he ſlept.
Well, it can't be helpt; do you make haſte and put in bail, that I forfeit not my word; there's friends enough will be ready to do you ſervice upon my deſire; Forger will be ſure to be one.
I doubt not but he will ſir; farewell.
Adieu —
ILE teach the Rogue another time how to uſe his tongue — a Schiſmatical, Puritanical Whelp, to tel me to my face that I was a cheating Rogue and hee'd prove me ſo! Ile prove what ſtrength his purſe has now, before I leave him; he has put in bail to my Action.
Here Drawer, ſome Wine.
You ſhall have the beſt ſir.
Who are his bail, can you tell.
Why, his crop-car'd brother Forger is one, that old uſuring Cur, that has the Conſcience to take ten in the hundred, and a gift beſides for the loan of his money; a fellow that's as ſlow and dull of his tongue, as the other is quick.
I, I know him well enough; but a pox, nothing vexes me, but that thoſe two non-ſenſical Papples ſhould fall off ſo, when we had almoſt brought our buſineſs to an end: Oh I would fain have had the little David been ſerved as he ſerved his Maid.
How?
Why whipt a little, whipt ſoundly about the pigmarket or at a horſes tail; O that I had had the jerking of him Ide have claw'd his Buttocks for him; and then I would have had him branded with a W. in his fore-head that all the world might take Notice of the Whiper
Faith Neighbour I have often heard of the Presbyterian Laſh, but never knew the meaning of it till now, come Neighbour to you.
To you again
Laſh do you call it; had the poor Wench found out another ſwaſh to couple with her ſhe might have deſerved the laſh; but the poor wench —
Come Neighbour now we are merry lets hear that Song, thou ſing'ſt well I'me ſure, and for a baudy Song theres none ith City like thee.
Why then have at it; but firſt lets drink, as the Threſher ſaid to his man.
Excellently well performed ifaith; O how I love to hear theſe Preciſe, Puritanical rogues jear'd, but faith all this, while we ne're think of drawing in our brace of independants again.
Hang them, tis but Colloguing again and makeing them beleive that when hee's out there logger headed Simpleton ſhall come in, and they'l be as ready to join with as — I dont know what
Let us then go about it, or at leaſt go you to Gooſe, he ſeems the moſt yeilding, whilſt I go fee my attour ney to declare next court day againſt my peeviſh pricklouſe adverſary Light.
VEry well, very well, now he has abuſed my Daughter and turned up her Petticoates and paid her buttockes for her, I muſt be ſent for to make her hold her tongue, by my fackens law I had as full a diſſolution to have made him have ſmok't fort as ever I had ſince my live-long day. Nay and't had not been for the fear of my poor Gaffers going into jayle, I ſhould ha made him remember how he meddles with wenches Bums as long as he had a day to live, but he heares that I and my Daughter had been in Cora nobus, with Mr. Church-Warden his worſhipe; and ſome other grave tradeſmen of the pariſh, and whip ſay's he and imediately ſends for me and my daughter, but by my nickins my poor Girle was affraid to go, and I can't forewarne her for it; ſhe had ſo lately been Clapperd-clawd by him, that and I were as She, ide ne're come there more, by theſe ten bones, and that's a great oath, he had ſo flawg'd her, that for two days ſhe was hardly able to ſit on her britch, I was fain to ſend to my neighboure Gamer Spindles to borrow her down pillar for to ſit her upon, but by my truth law he ſhould never have diſwaded me, to put it up, if he had not given me this money too,
my Gaffer ſhould ene have gone to priſon though I had work't day and night upon my bare knees for him, rather then my girl ſhould have been ſo uſed; but I muſt go home and deſtruct her as Mr. Parſon ſay's what ſhe muſt ſay if they ſhould come again, but twill be a hard caſe if ſhe ſhould be Put to her Oath — to have her forſwear her ſelf; but if he does Mr. Parſon — has promiſed heel give her — I dont know, what d'ee call it — Hem — tis a very hard word — hem — oh! conſolation, conſolation — I hope he means more mony by it.
Gamar Trounce Gamer Trounce
Whoſe that calls? oh
Why Gamer Trounce come heither I ſay
Well now muſt I deny all — Oh Mr: Carp how do you do? truly I heard ſome body call, but I could not tell where it was —
Well what do you intend to do about your daughters buſineſs — when ſhall we take her oath before a juſtice
Her oath, pray Mr. Church-Warden for what?
For what why about Mr Nocttroffs whiping her
Indeed Sir. I do not know what you mean by my faith law, nor I beleive my daughter neither
Why was not thou before me and my brother and ſome others Church-Wardens obout it this morning.
I dont know indeed Sir. I can tell nothing of it — fare you well to your worſhip —
I think in my ſoul the Womans mad; what a devill ails ſhe? o here has been fine Juggling, I finde it now —
Your ſervant Mr. Carp —
O how doſt do friend? thou didſt Mr Lights buſineſs to day.
I Sir, and now I have an Action againſt you.
An action againſt me at whoſe ſuit.
At Mr. Noctroffe the Parſons ſuit, Sir.
Ha! ſaiſt thou ſo; well? here thy fees I'le put thee in baile before night.
I Sir I dare truſt you, farewell Sir
Godbye
So now we ſhall have fine work indeed, the truth on't is I ſpoke as much againſt the Parſon, as Light did againſt me wel its no matter: I ſee ſcores wil be quit one time or other, well I muſt be content, I'le go put in my bail — but theſe are ſuch envious fellows that I could in my heart wiſh all things were undone again.
Here in a ſhort Epitomy, Epitomy do J call it! rather a Volume of the Quarrels, Diſſentions, Diſtractions, Confuſions, betwixt a Pariſh-prieſt and his Pariſhioners; what fool, or aſs, or idiot, or non-ſenſical Coxcomb muſt he needs be, that cannot plainly perceive, diſcern and ſee, that the Shepherd has ſet his Flock together by the ears. Imprimis, here is one Light, a light-headed fellow without doubt, ſet on by the Parſon, is ſued for abuſing one of his pariſhioners, named Carp; and yet the Carping Coxcomb muſt needs call the Parſon, Jeſuitical Prieſt; ſo he is ſued by him, whilſt the Prieſt laughs in his ſleeve at both, and my Maſter laughs at all; for whoever is a looſer, he is ſure to be a gainer. Well, tis a fine ſtory; yet methinks the Jury were but non-ſenſical fooles, for they have fined Mr. Light too light a ſum in my mind, when poor Carp is forced to pay one hundred pound for ſpeaking the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth; for my young Reaſon can eaſily gueſs, That theres nothing that ſavours more of Jeſuitical tenents, then to ſet men together by the ears; but J think the Devil reigns in this age; theſe black-coats without their Gowns or Tippets, look ſo like imps, that J know not what to make of them otherwiſe — but J think my Maſter calls me — Well, J muſt ene go draw up a Judgement againſt honeſt Carp, for being a plain, down-right dealing fellow: Tis a ſad age methinks my maſters; but how to help it, faith, is beyond my skll to tell you.
WAs ever man ſo abuſed, Neighbour, as I am? I proteſt I care not ſo much for the Money, but that the Law ſhould be ſo retorted as it is now-a-dayes; That Light for defaming me, and utterly taking away my credit in the World, ſhould be fined but twenty pound, and that they ſhould ſet me at one hundred pound only for calling that baſe, ſeditious, ſcandalous fellow as he is — Well tis a hard caſe —
Tis ſo indeed Neighbour, but we can't tell how to help it: Now a man had as good be hang'd as meddle with theſe black Cloaks, they have ſuch tricks and ſuch quiliets, ſuch ſtrange Quonundrums to cheat a man of his money, as it paſſes —
A pox of their Quillets and their Quonund rum s I'me ſure I'me like to pay for't; but what ſhall I do now? canſt adviſe me to be even with him.
Why faith, if you have a mind to be even with him, you muſt even pay him the money that is adjudged him, and have a care how you meddle with him any more, till times mend; and then if you can whip and trounce him ſoundly, you'l do very good ſervice.
But what way ſhall I take to ſend him his money:
Why e'ne ſend it him, and make no more word on't; that is, ſend him fourſcore pounds, and conſign over the twenty pounds that is adjudged you from Light; that is, ſend him fourſcore pound ready told, and put it to account for ſearching too far into the whipping of a Wench.
A pox of him and his Wench, would hee'd clawd her buttocks to the bone, ſo I had never medled with her: I'me ſure I muſt pay ſweetly for the cure of her breech: Yet nothing more vexes me, then that the damnd Whore her Mother ſhould afterwards deny whatever both ſhe and her daughter ſaid to us: O there went ſome of the money that I muſt now pay efaith.
But was the Devil ſo impudent as to deny it?
Was ſhe! ſhe told me flat and plain as I met her juſt coming out of the Parſons — that neither ſhe nor her Daughter knew any thing of it?
O impudent Jade?
VVell, but come Neighbour, tis in vain now to diſpute; I muſt e'ne now think of ſending the dogged Rogue his money; but what wouldſt ſay if the ſcoundrel ſhould turn pretty honeſt, and ſend it back again.
VVhat would I ſay! why I would e'ne have it regiſtred for a Miracle, and him canonized for the onely Saint that ever was, or I believe ever will be of his Faction; but I think you need never fear that ſuch a good act will proceed from one of that crooked and perverſe Generation.
Nay, faith I'me of thy mind; but if he does not ſend back ſome, Ile e'ne ſwear he's as very a Devil as he would be a Saint ſhould he ſend back all. But come, Ile entreat thee to carry him his money which lyes ready in the Bag dormant, before an Execution be ſerved, which is the next thing I muſt expect.
You may be ſure of it; therefore make what haſte you can with it.
I'me ready, though it be but with an ill will, God knows; come let's go.
TRuly Neighbour here has been ſtrange doings, fine going to Law, and quarrelling among our ſelves; I thought what it would come too, when we firſt began to fall out with the Church-Wardens; I thought I ſay, then, that we ſhould do nothing againſt Noctroff, but for him.
Indeed brother Gooſe, if I had thought things would have been carryed as they have been, I would never have ſtood out; but ſince 'tis ſo, we muſt ene be content, and ſeemingly give our hands to the Reconciliation till another opportunity ſerve:
But here comes the two Church-Wardens. Neighbours, what news?
Why I ſuppoſe you know the News; now Noctroff, has broke our heads, hee'l give us plaiſters; now he has ſet us all together by the ears, hee'l make us friends again; but the beſt for him is, 'twill be at my coſt; and Ile aſſure you Gentlemen, I think I have ſome reaſon to bid you welcome to this feaſt, for my money will pay for it.
Truly Neighbour I'me ſorry it ſhould be ſo; but it is your own fault.
My fault! A pox take you and your fellow-ſchiſmatick there; 'twas your faults marry was it; and if —
Nay Brother, now we are come to be friends, let us ene be friends; there has been cavilling enough already — methinks we need no more.
I, but when they go about to juſtifie —
You will be talking till there come ſome miſchief on't; come prethee be mild, and direct your paſſions, elſe what a condition will you be in to make friends!
Good morrow neighbours all:
How fares it with you neighbour Carp? come let you and I ſhake hands, and forget all former paſſages between us; come neighbour Light, be you friends too All ſhake hands Gentlemen.
Why ſo; is it not better for Pariſhioners like Brethren to live in Chriſtian charity, then To be in continual debate and ſtrife one amongſt another?
Whoſe fault was't?
Nay neighbour, that ripping up of old ſores, wil make us ſtill have a ſpleen one againſt another; let's forget all that's paſt, and be as good friends as ever we were.
That's rank Enemies I dare be ſworn; for Carp and I were always ſo to thee.
Well Sir, I will be ſo, and now thank you for the twenty pounds you returned my Wife.
Never mention it; but neighbour Forger, you ſtand in a corner as if you were at enmity with every body ſtill.
Who, I! no indeed Sir, I never fell out with any of them, and therefore I cannot be indemnity to them.
Well neighbours, it rejoices my heart to ſee thi•our reconciliation. I have provided a Chine of Beef, or ſo, here at the Pye at Aldgate, that now we are friends, we may eat together like friends, and I hope we ſhall continue friends. Pray neighbours walk in, and Ile wait upon you inſtantly.
(EEBO-TCP ; phase 2, no. A87791)
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