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The laſt Will and Teſtament of Father Peters: As it was found Quilted into My Lord Chancellors Cap, with a Letter directed to his Lordſhip, &c. and his Prayer to the Bleſſed Virgin of Loretto.

Meritorious Sir,

UUnderſtanding that you were to be my Succeſſor in theſe Houſes of Clay, I thought it would not be amiſs to leave you my Exceutor, who next my Reverence have done the King the beſt ſervice in the Na­tion, and conſequently muſt be no Stranger nor Enemy to Fa. Peters. I have now laid a ſide the Sword of the Spirit and betaken my ſelf to an Arm of Fleſh, and having converted my Apoſtolical Robe into the Whore of Babi­lons die, am reſolv'd to viſit Fa. Le Chaiſe, and ſend over the K. of France with 30000 Men. I need not put you in mind of the terrible blow that ſhall come and none ſee who hurts them, nor any other private Juggle for having made room for your admittance to his Majeſties ear; there's nothing can fall betwixt the Cup and the Lip. It would be ſuperfluous to tell you that innumerable Prayers and Indulgences for you and your Poſterity after you, are together with this my Sanctuary, conferr'd upon you; I wiſh England do not grow too hot for you in a little time, However, I go to prepare a place for you. Be not troubled, your Merits and my Beads will never let you lie long in Pur­gatory, ſhould all hopes fail, and therefore be ſecure of a future Happineſs; be of good Courage and your Faith will ſave you. This I am ſure of, and all the World knows it, that you have made to your ſelf Friends of the Mammon of Unrighteouſneſs, ſo that you are like to feed well as long as you live in this World, and as for the other let not one melancholy thought make you ſoak your Guts one Bowl the leſs, for ile warrant you my Works of Supererro­gation helping out your Defects, I ſhall have nothing too much, nor you too little to bribe admittance into Paradice; St. Peter and I were Old Cronys, and as long as I have but an evidence of his own hand writing to produce, he can­not for ſhame but out of good mannets let Me and my Friend in. However, Go on Bravely, Thou Son of Perdition, and fill up the meaſure of thy Iniqui­ty, till thou grow ripe for Tranſlation and Roman Calander. Divine Bard, and Reverend Impoſtor, into thy Hands alone I commit my Engliſh Spirit, and my laſt Will and Teſtament to be diſpos'd of according to my appointment, to­gether with an Inventory of what goods I have left in thoſe Lodgings for your uſe; and a private Prayer to be ſaid over 17 times a day, and the Bleſſed Virgin hear thee in the day when thou calleſt upon her, and make the works of thy hand proſperous, and thy Counſels like Hamons, or good Achitophels.

Thine Eternally, PETERS

I Give my Soul into the Hands of the B. Gabriel, to be tranſlated into Pur­gatory; and there after two turns of the Spit, and one winding up of the Jack, which is enough for the Purification of any Jeſuit, and from thence to carry it to the Lap of his Miſtriſs the B. Virgin of Loretto, who I ſerve, and whoſe I am.

Let my Heart by dried and beaten to Powder, and ſo divided into ſeveral Drams, to be drunk by all the new Converts in England, in a Glaſs of a Here­ticks warm Blood.

Let the K. Q. and Pr. of W. take a Mornings-draught of my Spleen, pre­pared after the ſame manner as my Heart by his H.

My Gall ſhould be at the French Kings ſervice, but they have more need of it in England, therefore let that fall to Sunderland's ſhare.

My Brains have overgrown me this laſt three or four Years, and there­fore ſhall be divided amongſt pluralities, Peterborough, Huntington, Biſhop Che­ſter, Smith, and Chapman.

Cheſter, not content with my Brains, ſnaps at my Kidnies, by St. Francis he's the likelieſt Man to make good uſe of them, let him take them.

Let my Scull be carried to S. Omers, and Tipt with Silver, to be drunk in upon the Solemn Day that is Conſecrated to my Name: and being filled with Blood, upon the Admiſſion of every Novice, to be turned off by all the Bro­therhood, at the time of the Adminiſtration of the Holy Sacrament.

My wanton Eyes I bequeath to the Nuns at St. Bridgets, and to thoſe Objects of Charity that the Kings Alms were beſtowed upon.

My Tongue, to the Earl of Winchelſea, becauſe he has ſo little.

My Ears, to Penn, Ferguſon, and the reſt of that Tribe; or Titus Oates, that couragious knaw-poſt.

My Noſe, to the P.O. who has ſcratched his out of Scipio's Grave.

My Teeth, to Harry Hills for Beads; or, to poliſh the Roſary; or, inſtead of it, Aretine, Tully and Octavia, Rochester, School of Venice, &c.

My Throat, to the Earl of Eſſex, to be ſhaved.

My Breaſts, to the Q. who loſt her own with longing for a Box of the Ear of the Princeſs, and Sauſages made of Hereticks Dripping.

My Iſſues, to Queen Dowager, who they ſay has 20; ten to my knowledge.

My Inſtrument of propagation, otherwiſe called the Carnaledge, part to my Lady Salisbary, or Stonehorſe Spencer.

My Prolifick Juice, to the Q. and my Bleſſing, together with all the Hairs of my to make a Perriwig for my Son

The ſtrength of my Back, to the K. together with all my Merits; ſome one will be apt to ſay, Your merit, quoth he, That's a Halter. Good Mr. K. if you'll put up the affront, I will, or elſe my intent being well directed I am clear.

My A to the great Button-maker of England.

My Deputy Hair and my Aldermans Hat, to Alſop, and the reſt of the gang,


My Razor let Jeoffreys ſhave himſelf with, and cut his Throat when he has done. My Breeches I recommend to the Q. uſe, to get her with C with­out the help of a Man; and the ſmell of my Stockings to make her fair. How beautiful upon the Mountains, &c. Let my Corps be buried in the Room where Sir Edmund Bury Godfry was murdered, to fright his bodily appearance, and I'le to the Devil to choak his Ghoſt. 20000 l. for Swords, Knives, Powder, Fire­balls, &c. 10000 for him that Stabs the P. O. 2000 for the French Dragoons, to be paid by F. La Chaiſe, for their good Service. 100 for him that Kills a Here­tick: 1000 for the Col. of St. Ignatio, to invent and provide all manner of Tor­tures. 2000 to the Chappel of the B. V. of Loretto, to be converted into a Gold­en Chamber Pot. All this laſt to be paid by the K. as ſoon as I have ſent him Money from France.

An Inventory of the Goods that I left in my Lodgings, to the Lord Chancellor, with their value ſet upon them.
  • 1. A Piece of Adam's Figg-Leaf-Apron, together with an Apple of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. 330000 l.
  • 2. A Frog, a Louſe, and a Locuſt, that was upon Pharaohs Land, with Joſephs Coat, Sampſons Jaw-bone, and half Gideons Fleece. 50000 l.
  • 3. The Hoof of Balaams Aſs, the Dart that kill'd Abſalom, together with the Stone that ſlew Goliah, and piece of Bathſhehas Smock, pris'd at 1000 l.
  • 4. Three Chairs that Solomon ſate in at Study, together with his black Fur Cap; and a Table that St. Paul made uſe of when he wrote his Epiſtle to the Hebrews. 2000.
  • 5. The Parchments that the ſame Apoſtle ſent for by Timothy, with the Cloak; St. Agnas's Candleſtick, and St. Winnefrids Ink-horn 3000.
  • 6. St. Francis's Clock; St. Dennis's Fire-ſhovel and Tongs; a broken Cham­ber-pot of the B. Virgin of Loretto: and a little Sawſe pan for the P. W. that Zacharias bought for his Son John. 30000 l.
  • 7. St. Ignatius's Warming-pan; the Nail of Loyola's little Toe; Pope Joans Placket; and Bellarmines Cloſe-ſtool. 10000 l.
  • 8. A Sir-reverence of St. Clemens in a Silver box; St. Ambroſe's Gliſter-pipe; St. Auſtin's Almanack; valued at 1000 l.
  • 9. St. Cyprian's Baſon; Cicily's Looking-glaſs, and Marmalade-pot: Coleman's Halter; St. Katharines Tower and Curling-pin, with her Waſh to beautifie the Face, which I have uſed this many years, and it waſts no more than the Wi­dows Cruiſe which I alſo have. 20000 l.
  • 10. Some of Pauls faſting ſpittle in a Bottle, ſeal'd with his Coat of Arms, good for ſore Eyes, and to reſtore even the Blind; a Nail of Timothys Shoe; Q. Marys Ruff; and St. Margarets Sciſſars. 3000 l.
  • 11. A board of the Ark; a feather of Noahs Dove; a grain of Lots Wiſe, took from the Pillar of Salt; and the paper that ſaluted Lyaſs B 7000.
  • 12. The Dirt-pyes that the V. M. made when ſhe was a Child; ſome ofhe Dung that fell into Tobits Eyes; the Horns of Nebuchadnezzar when turn'd〈…〉Caſe of Needl〈…〉
  • ••. The Nails that held our Saviour to the Croſs; the Spear that pierced ſide; ſome of the Water and Blood that came out; the Inſcription that was over his Head, in Pilates own Hand Writing. 6000 l.
  • 14. Judas's bag full of Bread and Cheeſe; the piece of money that was taken out of the Fiſhes mouth for Tribute; ſome of the Water that was made Wine. 7000 l.
  • 15. A piece of our B. S. Cradle; the Manger; the Key of St. Peters back door into Heaven; his Slippers; the Bill, Spurs, and Comb of the Cock that Crow'd when he denied his Maſter. 4000 l.
  • 16. A part of the Nipple of St. Agatha; St. Margarets piſs burnt Garter; the Table-Cloth, Napkins and Knives that were uſed in the Inſtitution of the Lords Supper; the bed that Pope Joan pigg'd in; Pope Boniface's Cod-piſs buttons, and our L. prayer, in our S. own hand writing. 9000 l.
  • 17. A drop of the B. V. Milk which ſhe gave to St. Biaſio, when he thirſted in the Wilderneſs.

A Form of Private Prayer uſed by Father Peters.

O Bleſſed Mary, Mother of God, Queen of Heaven, Saviour of the World, Giver of Salvation, the Almighty Lady, Authour of our Redemption, I beſeech thee to hear me. Bow the Heavens, and come down from that thy Throne, to hear the Petition of thy Hunble Suppliant. By our Saviours Birth and Baptiſm, by the Manger in which he was laid, by the Gifts the Wiſe men brought, by the Star that appear­ed in the Eaſt, by the Swadling Cloaths he wore, by the Milk he ſuck'd, by the Tears he ſhed in his Agony,〈◊〉the Kiſs given him by Judas, by the Halter with which Judas Hanged himſelf, and the Bag that he had to bear; by the Lance that pierced our Saviours ſide, by the Water and Blood that came out, by the Tomb in which he was laid, by the Spices with which he was Embalm'd, by the Oyntment with which he was Anointed unto his Burial, by the Croſs on which he ſuffered, by the two Thieves that together dyed with him, by the Quire of Angels at his Birth, and the Quire of Angels that were his Attendance at his Reſuarection, by the Superſcription of Piiate, by the High Prieſts Ear that was cut off, by the Name of Woman, with which Chriſt pleas'd to ſignify thy pre-eminence over all Women, &c. I beſeech thee to hear me. Let not the Scep­ter depart from Analek, nor a Law-giver from the Jebuſites; nor a Cardinal from England, nor a Peters from the Court, ſo long as the Sun and Moon endureth. Pray for us, O Bleſſed Virgin, that all our Deſigns and Contrivances may have good Succeſs; and Command thy Son to be ſo careful of the good of his Society, that it may be emplanted in all the Nations of the World; and particularly in this wherein we live. Let the K. hearken to me, the Charmer, who Charm Wiſely; nor be as a Deaf Adder that will not hear; nor Stiff-necked as his People, that will not Obey. Make him reſolute in his Religion, and true to the Cauſe which be has promis'd to maintain; and let the abundance of his Merits waſh away the many Religious Vows and Oaths which he has made and broke, for the Honour of the Roman Church. We are thy People, and the Sheep of thy Paſture; if thou hadſt not been for us, we had been ſwallowed up quick in this Heretical, Damnable, Prejudic'd Kingdom, when they were ſo wrathfully diſpleas'd at us; but thou haſt fought for us,nd defended us. O go on to perfect this work of thine, which thou haſt in ſome meaſure begun, and make us all one Sheepfold under one Shepherdeſs, the Bleſſed Mary. Make Peter open to all that will open theoors of their Hearts to thee; and Damn all thoſe Eternally that ſhall preſume to refuſe it, for thy Name ſake, admine, the Lord Chancellours, Salisburys, Cheſters, Peterboroughs Merit, &c. Amen.


About this transcription

TextThe last will and testament of Father Peters. As it was found quilted into my Lord Chancellors cap, with a letter directed to his lordship, &c. and his prayer to the blessed virgin of Loretto
Extent Approx. 15 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 3 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images.
SeriesEarly English books online.
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(EEBO-TCP ; phase 2, no. A88748)

Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 134690)

Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 2430:19)

About the source text

Bibliographic informationThe last will and testament of Father Peters. As it was found quilted into my Lord Chancellors cap, with a letter directed to his lordship, &c. and his prayer to the blessed virgin of Loretto 4 p. s.n.,[London :1689]. (Caption title.) (Imprint from Wing (CD-ROM edition).) (A satire.) (Reproduction of original in the Newberry Library.)
  • Petre, Edward, 1631-1699 -- Humor -- Early works to 1800.

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ImprintAnn Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2011-04 (EEBO-TCP Phase 2).
  • DLPS A88748
  • STC Wing L518B
  • STC ESTC R231031
  • EEBO-CITATION 99896642
  • PROQUEST 99896642
  • VID 134690

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