AS an Antidote againſt Cavilling Cavilliering exception, ready to finde a knot in a ſtreight ruſh, or as Mice and Rats in walls, and Apes and Monkies in pure lawnes, to make or rend holes where they finde none; leſt I miſtake in the number of theſe railing Rabſhakehs: I muſt confeſſe, I am a doubting Sceptick, and an unreſolved Didimiſt, whether onely one furious fantaſticke make his three fooles bolts which he throwes (as ſometimes Thirſites againſt Ʋliſſes, Semei againſt David, Rabſhakeh againſt Hezekias, Scopius againſt King James, and Endemon or Cacodemon, againſt our worthieſt Peers and Church lights) in the very face of the Parliamentary Patritians of our ſtate, and againſt the Militia in his malitia flying bird alone, as an individuum vagum, or a Woodcock in a miſt of ignorance; or rather like one Goliah defying the hoſt of Iſrael, it being ſomething probable that here we finde the tongue and tooth but of one Cerberus with three heads, or of one monſtrous Chimera in three ſhapes; like one eccho (compoſed like this wordy work of wind and aire) oft reſonating and redoubling three or four ſounds, as one babbling Battus and verbaliſt, three or foure words to as ſmall purpoſe, as the ſounding of an empty Hogſhead: Or that there be three Rakehells twiſting and twining this their rope Rhetoricke to choke or ſtrangle our beſt Patriots, with their three paper cords, as the Turkiſh mutes oft the beſt of Baſhawes with their halters, at the meer luſt for Law of their tyrannizing Ottomans: but the matter is but like a matter of Moon-ſhine in the water, whether one Moon-calfe here bleat in three libels, one Aſſe brey, one Wolfe howle, and one Owle houte againſt the ſhining Sun of Magiſtracy and Miniſtery, high Court and Campe; or there bee three Curs all barking, or three Maſtive dogs, like Butchers dogs with bloody mouthes, biting and ſnarling at emulated Supremacie; as like one another in their ſtigmatizing ſtile, as John a Nokes in the ſame caſe and cauſe to John a Stiles; or as a Snake to Snake, Serpent to Serpent, Viper to Viper, all ſtinging the breaſts that have bred them, and fed them.
All three (if three) led like Ahabs falſe Prophets in their vain prognoſticks by one deluding ſpirit, al birds of one black & bloody feather, all frogs croaking one tone out of the infernall pit; all broken bels better for hanging, ringing of the ſame peale in their large and looſe appeales (like Libertines) from all Parliamentary Lawes; all like Armenian Dragons ſpitting fire, with tongues ſet on fire by2 hell, more flamivorous then the Northerne Hecla, the Sicilian Aeina, or that Veſuvus which choaked the good Patriot Pliny; all like Simeon and Levi brethren in iniquity, never a barrell better Herring, all fellows well met at foot-ball, even to make foot-balls (if curſt cowes like Jezabel one againſt Elias, and the Arrians againſt Athanaſius had not ſhort hornes) even of our wiſeſt and worthieſt heads, even ſuch ſpurned Bulls as cruell Scilla made of the head of Matius, Mark Anthony of the head of Tully that eloquent ſpeaker, and ungrateful Ptolomy and Scep••nius the head of their beſt deſerving friend undaunted Pompey; but if they plead that they know not one another: Sure if ſimilitude be the cauſe of love, and the adomant of friendſhip, they may be acquainted without a couple of Capons, as ſoon as the Devill with the Collier, they are ſo like, that they cannot but ſay (when they meet at Dawes croſſe, or in Knaves alley, or in Toſpot alley, like kinde Poetaſters or pot taſters) ego novi ſinonem & ſinon novit me; its merry when knaves meet, to keep Hillary Tearme, Cicada, Cicadae, Chara, one Graſhopper and Creckit cleats to another mulus mulum ſcabit, one ſcab'd mule knaps another, & graculus aſſidit graculo, one jaw jangles with another; we ſing all one ſong, though cleane out of tune, as that ungratefull ſcabgooke; the Cuccow in June, after ſhe have torne (like our Church and State Vipers) the kinde bird who bred her and fed her: yea I ſay more, though theſe three junior Rabſhekah's, ſhould be as ſnarling heretofore one againſt another as hounds in a kennell, or in couples, yet as they are united Nimrods in hunting to the very death, if they could, the moſt honourable and noble blood which runs in the veynes of both Houſes, with bloody pens and tongues (till they get Cains ſword, and Herods axe, for all innocuous Johns, Naboths and Abels) me thinks eo nomine, even this tye of fraternity in villany, ſhould reconcile them, as much as ever Herod and Pilate againſt Chriſt. Ephraim and Manaſſes againſt Judah, Jeſuits, Prieſts, and Fryers, againſt true Proteſtants, Antinomians, Socinians, Familiſts, Arminians, and other Heretickes, all againſt the orthodox and true believers, how ever different all amongſt themſelves, like the heads of the ſerpent Amphis•ena, one fighting againſt another (as indeed Bees agree together in one hive, Piſmires in one moſſie hill; yea ſevis inter ſe convenit urſis, Beares in one cave; Foxes in woods, yea in Townes, in ſheeps cloathing; in Cities in fox fur gownes, yet all againſt innocent Lambes) as Devills agree together in one hell, and their agents, and Jeſuitized, Achitophilized, Hammanized, Papized,3 Athized working tooles on earth, as Tobiah the Ammonite, and Sanballat the Horonite, and Geſhem the Arabian againſt our Ezraes and Nebemiahs & the Elders of Iſrael, to hinder the re-edifying of our Jeruſalem, the Reformation of Religion, and the repairing, & purging of our Temples, Neb. 2. 19. & 6. 2. as the Scribes and Phariſees, and Saduces, and Herodians, ſtill againſt Chriſt and his Diſciples, his true Miniſters and his Meſſengers, as the Syrians, the Ammonites, and the Moabites, againſt every zealous Jehoſaphat, 2 Chr 20. 2. as the Elders of the people, the Prieſts, and my Lord Paſhur whilom againſt Jeremy, to impriſon his body, to ſmite him with the tongue, and not to hearken to his words, Jer. 18. 18. (more then Schiſmatickes, Epiſcopiſts, and deafe adders now, to ſuch true Seers, and Prophets, as God hath ſent and ſet amongſt us) all that beare evill unto Sion, and that hate to be reformed, Pſ. 50. now being tyed and combined together like Sampſons foxes, with firebrands in their tailes and in their tongues too, to fire our Church and State in new raiſed combuſtions, as we may ſee the nature of every other Fox and Malignant wolfe in the Church even in theſe now, who by their lewd Libells, and poyſonous Pamphlets, have caſt aſperſions both upon our Senators and Synod, as foule as falſe, to bring them in contempt with the fluctuate and credulous mutable multitude, who will believe their eares in a manner before their eyes, and take up ought like a ball at rebound, and ſnugge in any ſcandall, chiefly againſt great men and good men their ſuperiours, though they knew the Devill were the author of it, or his hell hatched Seminaries, like theſe lying Mercuries: with whom to grapple a little cloſer.
Firſt, I wonder they bluſh not, as they would, if they had not impudent harlots browes of braſſe, and foreheads of iron, to ſtumble ſo foule at the threſhold (as Craſſus did when he went his fatall expedition againſt the Parthians, and Caeſar to the Senate where he was ſtabd, even in the Title wherewith they chriſtned the ſpurious brats of their braines with the name of Mercury, which Mercury if we believe Poets or Hiſtorians, was as very a Thiefe, as••yron, or Ca•us, or our Engliſh Luke Hutton and Mannering, or any of our Robcarriers in theſe late wars (though now of the Haſtings, deſerving a Newcaſtle) with all he was a cheater, and a lyer, a couzener, and an impoſter, like the Turkiſh Mahomet, the Spaniſh Guſman, Lazarillo de Tormes, and our moſt nimble Troynovant City Sinons, beſides he was euripus homo a wavering wimble, a fluctuate fellow, an unconſtant weathercocke, ſuited as a temporizer for all perſons4 and places, as the plannet Mercury is ſaid to be good with the good, and bad with the bad, like our Mercurialized newters, Diſciples with Diſciples, and Traytors with Phariſees, as once Judas; ſoft wax fit for any impreſſion, and white paper fit for any print, as Camelions for any colour but white (being every thing but honeſt.) Fourthly, as Hermes was one of the names of Mercury, joyned with Aphrodite, ſignifying the Sea foame, one of the Epithites of Venus, there was produced a kinde of maſculine feminine monſter, called Hermophrodite (like ſome Harres and Hienaes) neither male, nor female, but both, as theſe our Mercuries are: as we ſay of archized Buffons and Tarltoniſts, neither knaves, nor fooles, but both; as a mule is neither an Horſe nor an Aſſe, but both; a Cynecepholiſt neither Ape nor Dog, but both; a Meer-maid neither fiſh nor fleſh, but both; mulier formoſa ſuperne deſine as in piſcem: thus like ſome Popes in their own uſurped names, theſe Chaiphaſſes or Catiffes, have propheſied trulier of themſelves then they wiſt; Naball is a name, and folly is in it; and Mercury is their name, and lying, and leizing, and colouging, and rouging, and diſſembling is in it, as in that grand Impoſtor the Aegyptian Moſes, and Bencosba the ſon of lying in Joſephus, and in theſe Pſeudo Princes recorded in the ſame Joſephus, lib. 17. cap. 14. antiq. and in Melancton Chronicle lib. 4: p. 358. and in Tacitus lib. 18. pag. 587. and in Munſters Coſmography pag. 171. who tooke upon them the names of great Potentates, though they were but Peaſants, Se conveniunt rebus nomina ſepe ſuis, as which Reſetters, Thieves have ſympathies, ſo to their names anſwer our Mercuries.
Laſtly, as Mercury an Outlandiſh drug, is as ranke poyſon as either Ratsbaine or Henbaine, or Cicuta, or Bulls-blood that poyſoned Themiſtocles, or any other poyſons not worth naming, by which the Athenians poyſoned Socrates and Phocion, Queene Elinor, faire Roſamond, the Roman Calphurinus his ſleeping wives, and Pope Alexander and his Baſtard Borgias themſelves, inſtead of ſome Cardinalls: ſo there is as much tongue-venome and poyſon dropt from the pens of theſe our lying libelling Mercuries, as there were diſeaſes in the opened•anidraes box, or armed Greekes in the Trojan horſe to the intended ruination of all true Trojans, loyall Patricians in the Senate, and godly well-affected Miniſters in the Synod: yea I adde more, As Mercury is a poyſoned drug, though incloſed in a gawdy Apothecaries box, or given like Jaels butter to Sicera in a Lordly diſh; or in the Sacramentall bread or wine, as the Monkes once ſo poyſoned King John of England, and Henry the ſeventh, an5 Emperour of Germany; So theſe and ſuch like mercurialized Scycophants, how did they flatter regallity, and ſooth it up to an unlimited tranſcendency, in a Perſian and Turkiſh trampling upon all Lawes humaine, divine, naturall, nationall, and municipall, being like Craterus rather friends to Alexanders fortunes as a King, then to his perſon like Epheſtion; yet for all their dawbings, and ſowing cuſhions under their elbowes, like their Court Chaplaines, they give them but poyſoned pills in ſugar: Joabs kiſſes, Judaſſes, Haile Maſter, and Ravillacks Jeſuitized cringes, with a rotten heart, and oft a truculent hand; they doe but pave their way, as Damocles to Dioniſius to injuſtice, cruelty, and uſurpation, yea to their owne acted Tragedies, as with oyle and butter; they doe but hang them (as once Darius had prepared) with golden halters, ſtab them as with Heliogabulus his golden knives, ſting them as the Serpent Tarantula lurking in green graſſe till they die laughing, claw them as Tygers to mollifie them to themſelves, & to put the ſpur of oppreſſion to all others; as Patritius in his ſecond Booke of a Kingdome, tit. 1. pag. 82. and he that writes the Politicall Courtier, pag. 82. reſolve their owne queſtions? What made Nero ſo well educated by Seneca, ſo cruell? Caeſar ſuch an uſurping Rebell againſt his owne Country? Rehoboam ſo ſterne and auſtere? Tygranes the King of Pontus ſo tyrannicall, ere the Romans curbed him: in one word, their verdict is to every query, adulatio, adulatio, flattery, flattery? Mercurialized flattery (which though at firſt, like ſweet poyſons, it be pleaſing to the pallat, yet at laſt, as Solomon ſpeakes of wine and women, Prov. 9. 17. 18. & cap. 23. 32. it ſtings like a Serpent and bites like an Adder, which cauſed Sigiſmund the Emperour, as Melancton hath it in his Chronicles (lib. 5. pag. 630.) to hit a flatterer a good boxe on the eare, with this memento, Cur me mordes, why doſt thou bite me, and cauſed Zerpes ſaith Strigellus in his Chronicles part. 2. pag. 119. to deſire Demaratus a wiſe Counſellour ever to ſpeake to him, rather vera, things that might profit him, then jucunda, delightſome things to pleaſe him: This cauſed alſo Attila the King of the Huns, to caſt ſome ſcycophantizing Poems of the Calabrian Poet Marulus into the fire, in which he had too hyperbolically extolled him: Antigonus for the ſame cauſe, ſaith Tholoſanus in his Commonwealth, lib. 6. cap. 12. pag. 339. diſtaſting and deteſting the flaughing Poems of Hermoditus, becauſe he would have made him (as they ſome Gnatoniſts, Alexander) the ſonne of Jupiter, and ſi quid mea carmina poſſunt: if I might be held wiſe or worthy enough to cenſure,6 our Mendatious and malignant Mercuries mixt with ſaturnall ſpirits, which caſt aſperſions on our ſtate Ephoriſts and Patriots as blacke as their inck, or that which the fiſh Scilopendra vomits out to blunder oft, and to trouble cleane waters; and theſe Court holy waters more poyſonous then thoſe of the Stygian lake, which they ſprinkle upon a Princely Monarchy, to doe after the Perſian Law, quod libet, licet, every thing, or any thing, without being queſtioned, Pope like, with cur ita facis, why doth it ſo? or without ſuch relation to counſell and counſellours (as the beſt temperamentum ad Pondus, in the body Politicke) as the hot Hart (an emblem of regality) hath reference to the bellows of the lungs to blow upon it, and to coole it: I ſay, I would have all ſuch Mercurialized guilded paper poyſons, meerly conſumed by Tobacco pipes, like Tobacco, to ſmoke, or like the flattering Courtier Thurinus by ſmoake, as meerly conſecrated to Vulcan; or in the beſt uſe, if reprieved: I would have them imployed by ſome Chandelours to ſtop Muſtard-pots; or by Monſier A-jaix, as Harringtons Satyrs have metamorphized him.
Withall I further expoſtulate with my mercenary Mercury, or Mounſier Mendax, why he, or any of his fraternity, was ſo long from the 10, 11, and 12, to the 17, 18, 19 of April in weaving a poor ſpiders web or Arachnees clew out of their owne invenomed bowells, to catch poore credulous plebeian fleſh fleas; or rather in hatching of a wind egge or two, which by the incubation of ſome Toads, as poyſonous as themſelves, may bring forth Cockatrices; egregiam certe laudem & ſpolia ampla tuliſti, every one of you have ſtoutly lyed and vied for the whet-ſtone: and after ſome pumping of your hide-bound genius, with Juno Lucina fer opem, perturiunt montes, naſcitur riduculus mus, you have brought forth a mouſe to get into the Trunkes of Alephants, or rather a blacke Rat to gnaw all Parliamentary papers and edicts; yet I propheſie, that if you bee once catcht out of your lurking holes, and Cacus dens, where you ſecurely croake (as all Schiſmaticall frogs) in corners, we have ſtate ſtorkes would catch you by the crags, and Lionized Cats, would clapper-claw you till you ſqueaked; and perhaps you may at laſt finde by wofull experience, that you may ſigh or ſing Ovids Elegiackes, with ingenio perii; your owne wits may be your owne woes, as Cambiſes and Saul were ſlaine with their own ſwords; as Adonijah ſpoke words, and a Lieutenant of the Tower write lines, like Vrias his letters, to their owne deaths; ſo your owne pennes (with propriis configimur pennis) with which you pricke and pierce7 our Senatours, as with the ſharpened quills of Porcupines, may pierce your ſelves; as its noted that Caſſius and Brutus, killed themſelves with thoſe very ſwords which they drew againſt Caeſar; it may be you may know what it is to pulLions by the beard; you may buy repentance as dear by your abuſed wickedwits ſpurted (as mad dogs their ſlavers, as inraged Boares their froth, and horſes their foams) in the very faces of diſgraced Grandees; as Antiphon bought his bold jeaſt broken upon Dioniſius which coſt him his head; or as Anaxarchus bought his ſarciſmes caſt upon Anacreon, which afterwards brayed him in a mortar; as Pantaleon was caſt into a darke cave, and fed with the bread of affliction to his dying day for his baſe aſperſions caſt upon Arſinoe the wife of Liſimachus. No leſſe tragicall were the Iromes which ſome of the Nobles of Arragon ſpurted on Ranimirus their King, recalled out of a Monaſtery, which coſt no leſſe then eleven of them their lives, with this caveat, ignor at vulpecula, cum quo ludat, the Fox knowes not with whom he playes when he is too bold with the Lion, as the tongue tragedies of theſe and many moe, you may ſee writ in their owne blood (as yours may be in time) if you have either will to read them, or skill to underſtand them, largely hiſtorified by Collenutius in his firſt booke of the Hiſtory of Naples p. 20. by Hagaceus in his Bohemian Chronicle, part. 2. pag. 171. by Strigellius upon Juſtin. pag. 169. by Woffius in his memorables Tom. 1. pag. 359. chiefly by Eraſmus in his Apothegmes in his ſixt booke, fol. 478, 479. ſc. 548, 549, and in his 7 booke fol. 633. to all whom their owne licentious and ſcurrilous wits, unguided like Bellirophus horſes, without the Minervaes bridle of wiſdome, were as fatall and tragicall, as the horſe of Sejanus was to Caſſius and Tolobella, and to every one of his Maſters, and the Tholous gold to every one that poſſeſſed and plundered it, in whoſe broken glaſſes you may ſee ſo far your owne faces; that as generous ſpirits (like Alexander in pardoning King Porus, and in killing audacious Clitus and too bold Caliſthenes) are alwayes more exaſperated with words then with ſwords, and will rather pardon Targets againſt them then tongues; ſo you may at laſt come to buy your impetuous ſcurrility in your ſcandalum magnatum in the higheſt degree, as dear as Semei his reviling of David, 2 Sam. 16. as Ra•ſhekah his railings againſt Ezekias, 2 Kin. 19. as Michol her mockings of her royall husband, 2 Sam. 6. as Iſmael and Hagar their prophane ſcoffes againſt Iſaac ▪ Gen. 21. yea as copious as I have heard his invectives againſt a Platonicall Rex pacificus, revenged by an Engliſh Heroes; or as thoſe brats of Bethlehem8 brought their hereditary ſcurrilous taunts againſt that Roundhead, ſound-head Eliſha, torne (as their tongues had torne him) by She-bears in a juſt retaliated vengeance, 2 King. 2. ſuch Curs as you bawling ſo long againſt Lions, and ſuch Crowes as you, chattering ſo long againſt incenſed Eagles, that they may lacerate and teare you as Hercules did Ops, ſince patientia lae ſa furor, the moſt noble and maſculine patience abuſed turnes into rage, as ſweet wine into ſowre vinegar; even a patient Abner too far provoked beyond his temper may ſmite with his ſharpe ſpeare a ſcurrilous Hazael, whoſe looſe tongue runs ſwifter then his heeles, 2 Sam. 2. 23. and for your parts, were you knowne, I am perſwaded as you ſpeake and write what you will, you ſhould ſuffer what you would not, nemeſis a Tergo, a juſt revenge, dogs and haunts your unjuſt railing, like Brutus his ghoſt, you have a Cerberus that barkes within you, called conſcience, if it be not ſeared and cauterized, that multa miſer timeo, quia ſeri multa proterve.
In the meane ſpace, quod defertur non aufertur, adeſt Rammiſia nemeſis, Thy tongue deviſeth miſchiefe like a ſharpe raizour, working deceitfully; Thou loveſt evill more then good, and lying rather then to ſpeake rightcouſneſſe; Thou loveſt all deceiving words, Oh thou deceitfull tongue, God ſhall likewiſe for ever deſtroy thee, he ſhall take thee away and plucke thee out of thy dwelling houſe, and out of the land of the living; the righteous alſo ſhall ſee and feare, and laugh at thee, Pſal. 52, 53. 4, 5, 6. The verdict is paſt, the decree thou ſeeſt is gone out like the decrees of the Medes and Perſians from the upper houſe of Heaven, how ere thou ſleight, villifie and nullifie this lower houſe on earth, where God is terrible in the aſſembly of his Saints, both in the Senate and the Synod: but thou ſaieſt, quid9 haec ad rom bum, what is this to ſlie Mercury, thou ſcofeſt them as bruta fulmina, ſquibs and fire-workes, lightning and thunder, without bolts, and ſleights the decrees of God, as much as of our terreſtriall Gods, yea, as over ſhooes, over boots, adding thirſt to drunkenneſſe, the Cain-like defence of the ſinne to the offence, thou with a brazen brow pleads recte fecisti; like Saul, that thou haſt ſaid and done all well, I Sam. 15. though mors in olla, death be in the inke pot, & in penna Gehenna, hell be in the pen (as in the ſanguinnolent letters once of Ahab and Jezabel againſt Naboth, 1 King. 21. 6. of the Scribes and Phariſees againſt the primative Saints, Acts 9. 2, 3. of that accurſed Court Commet Hamman, againſt the Jewes, Hester 6. and (as ſome ſay, aut mentiuntur poëtae) out of the Engliſh Court Frenchified into Ireland, dyed red with the blood of a C. and ſo thouſand Proteſtants) yet Matchiavillian Mercury like Solomons Harlot wipes his mouth, and ſaith, he hath not ſinned; he preſents like ſome Churchwardens once omnia bene all is wel on his part, he finds an ignoramus in himſelf of any delinquency againſt the Parliament, he is not looſe i'th faſt, he will ſtand ſtifly to his tackling, and like Tom tell troth, juſtifie what he hath ſaid, as a plaine Macedonian, calling a ſpaid, a ſpaid; he is not bird-mouthed, he will ſay more; but to ſtop his mouth with this bone to gnaw on, or choake-peare, and to cope up this Beare with this muzzle: how is it then, that like the Perſians and our wilde vilde Iriſh, he throwes his poyſoned darts and runnes away? how is it that after crowing before the victory, this Craven flyes the pit (as the French coward once in a duell from the Iriſh Courſey) ere ever ſtroke be given? how is it that he playes leaſt in ſight, walkes by owl-light, and keeps hearts in Tenebris? how is it that like a wag-taile, a Scarabaean flea, or a Gentleman in debt, he skips here and there, as a ſquirrill in a tree, we know not how to ſeize on him; nay as though he had Gyges his ring, walking inviſibly? how is it that we cannot finde him? how is it that he dare not father his baſtard-lyes, of which his corrupt heart was the mother, his tongue the midwife, and the wicked world (now foſtering all villany) the nurſe; ſure truth ſeeks no corners: And if Mercury reply that I am an Anomiſt as well as he, and ſo retort upon me medice cura teipſum, to cure my ſelfe in what I thinke him diſeaſed; I tell him impar congreſſus; there is not the like caſe nor cauſe: for firſt, its probable I am knowne, or may be ex conſequenti, as Hercules his proportion by his foot, and the Lion by his paw, ſo far as I can ſcarce be concealed, if I would live, lurke, and ſleep in a warme skin. Secondly, why ſhould I reveale my ſelfe to an Antagoniſt? I10 know not againſt whoſe imaginary perſon to fight, I ſhould but beat the air, ſow the wind, and reap the whirlewind: but let Mr. Mercury be Mercury ſublimating, or-Mercurius ſublimus, hold up his head like a man; ſub dio, ſub jove f•igus, let him not as the woodcocke from the fouler, or the Aſſe from the Woolfe, hide his head in a buſh; or as the Panther hides his horrid head from the leſſer beaſts till he devoure them, ſhewing them onely his ſpeckled, and ſpotted body, and then I will ſo ſhew my ſelfe in diſplayed colours, that we will runne at Tilt, till I hope to unhorſe him, though perhaps I ſhall never un-Aſſe him, making himſelfe here a wicked witty foole in Print, a meer As in preſenti, that to pleaſe his Malignant maſters, he may have As in futuro, ſo many yellow duſted ſtuds, as may trap him, like Apulejus his golden Aſſe, being as yet but meere Eu•nanus his Aſſe, faining to roare in a Lions skin, or a ſympathizing foale of Balaams Aſſe boldly kicking both at Prophets and Patritians, to kick both out of Eccleſiaſticall and ſecular ſeats.
But I have curried this Aſſe enough with my toothed pen in generall ſatirizings, onely to make him as humble as that Aſſe who onely of irrationalls carried Chriſt (as Saint Chriſtopher and his Virgin mother of rationalls) being for the preſent as proud in his imaginary carrying of Regality on his backe to Weſtminſter, as that Aſſe was in the Poet, which carried the goddeſſe Iſis; or that Mule in the French Stevens Apology, who being borrowed of a Lady, to carry a Pope, would never ſuffer any to beſtride her after, but the Pope, as though ſhe had been a Beucephalus, and her carriage an Alexander.
But let us heare the Mercurialized Aſſe (in his owne conceit, tanquam Aſinus ad Liram, or Aſinus ad Tribunall) brey in his owne dialect, as farre from the wit of a true Mercury indeed, Nuncius deorum ▪ who charmed Argus, or of Mercurius Triſmegiſtus, who was the Legifer of the Aegrohans, as Thirſites is farre from the wit of an Vliſſes, or wiſdome of Neſtor, or Bavius and Mevius from the ſweet numbers ▪ of Virgil and Ovid; but liſten how he begins, as the Iriſh, with an ▪
O hone, like a Bittern and dying Hena.
With a groane, O, he cryes, Sicke, ſicke, ſicke.
Alas! whats the matter? ſome Gallieniſt or Paracelſian ſoone to ▪ caſt his water, or ſome Jupiter menecrates to ſave himſelfe, we loſe a moſt pretious don quipot, whoſe wits ſparkle like ſalt in the fire, and make ſuch paſtime-paſſing meaſure, as there needs no other foole nor fidler where he comes: But whats his ſickneſſe, ſure he hath ▪11 tooke no ſurfet, like his Idolized Prelates of ſlit noſes and cropt eares, whoſe heads have beene ever ſince wrapt with rent rotchets; nor is he pain'd with the ſtone in his Pharoized heart, for that as white powder and ſulfuration kills without noiſe; but its probable by his hot mouth and his furd tongue that had need be ſcaped by ſome Skinner, it is ſo foule, that his blood is wonderouſly diſtempered in the burning feavor of ſome raging luſt: I ſee by his colour he is troubled with a very bad liver, and I ſmell by the vapours of his ſtinking breath, blaſting even pure white paper, much more Patutians, that he hath very rotten lungs; and without queſtion he is much troubled with the ſpleene, that Epidemicall diſeaſe ſpreads further then any plague amongſt all his fellows, from all parts of the land, running as frenzie and Popery in a blood, as an hereditary diſeaſe amongſt them; or it may be this Bacchanalean, is top or tap heavy, he hath wanted ſleepe ſo long, that he begins to rave or talke idly, he had need have ſome poppy, opium, or dormitory drug, or Hellibore to reſtore him to his right wits.
Oh, but he is ſicker then he was, call in neighbours, hold up his head, he begins to perbreake his minde in a dog-ſicke drunken vomit, a beſome and a bowle preſently, or a Scavinger, up with it man, if it be but a gallon it will eaſe thy ſtomach; I doubt he will diſgorge his very gal, there comes matter from him as black as ink, as poyſonous as Sodomes lake, which infects the fiſh thrown in it, and the birds which flye over it. The onely way to cure him throughly now, that he caſts naturally, and as phyſically as any hawke (ſince he ſtill raves) is to phlebotomize him in his vaine veynes, and to make an inciſion into his ſcull (perhaps there may flye out•dotterils, widgyns, and woodcockes, and to take out his braines and well waſht with holy water, and ſtopt like a calves head with ſalt and ſage, ſo ſtitch it up againe with ſome ſollid counſel, hee may come to be as ſound both in body and braine, as the eight wiſe men, or a gull of Gotham, capable to be vicar of all fooles, chiefly if he be dieted daily with Rew, and Thriſis and True love, and Heartseaſe, and All heale, alias patience, and rub'd over a while with unguentum baccalinum, or Crab-tree oyle in Bedlam, or Bridewell, hee may yet live many a faire day, to come to the office of Mr. of Revels or Rebels, or Lord of miſ-rule: but he is not onely ſick himſelfe, as I gather by his groaning O: and by the ſymptomes of his diſeaſes, dropt even from his polluted penne, but as though this Mountebanke quackſalver, or ſome of his fellow Empericks, pitied12 them, or could preſcribe their cure, he tels us that the Saints are ſicke, and he diſturbs their diſtempers with more diſtemper in himſelfe (as Diogenes once trampled Platoes pride with his dirty feet in greater pride) that the Saints are ſicke I marvell not, yea ſicke to the very heart, mourning like Doves in the deſert, and Pelicans in the wilderneſſe, yea waſhing their very couches with tears, and their beds with weeping, for their owne ſinnes, and the ſinnes and ſufferings of the times, as did David, Hezekias, Lot, Jeremy, Ezra, Nehemiah, and other holy mourners in Sion, in their dayes, Pſal. 6. Pſal. 38. Pſal. 51. 2 King. 20. Eſay 38. 2 Pet. 2. Nehem. 1. Ezra 10. Jer. 9. 1. as indeed they have now more cauſe then ever to be ſoule-ſicke, and to weepe ſtreames of blood for the ſlaine of the people both corporeally and ſpiritually; to ſee ſtill the diſtempers of theſe unjoynted cuperate, bleeding, if not laſt breathing, Antipodized times, in which the whole head is ſicke in the body Politicall, and the heart heavy; yea from the crowne of the head, to the ſole of the foot, nothing but wounds, blaines and putrifactions, Eſa 1. 6. and likely to mend (like winter waies, ſoure Ale in ſummer, roten apples, and old gangreen ulcers) ſtill worſe and worſe, chiefly when the State Phyſitians are obſtructed in their cures by ſuch raſh and rude Empericks as himſelfe, who all infected as with the Kings evill, from Dan to Beerſhebah, would ſo cure Church and State, by reducing againe Papized, Diotrephian, domineering Epiſcopacie, without any modification, as by proſecuting in ſtatu quo prius, Altar bowing, and turning all Religion like ▪ bottle Ale into frothy Ceremonies, drawing in ſo, perverted Popery by Hiſpaniolized and Frenchified ſtratagems, as by head and ſhoulders (as Talus beaſts into his den) by bringing upon us downright Popery, to the probable more then Pariſian Calabrian, Merindolian, and Queen Maries Maſſe maſſacring of our bodies, to the loſſe of Religion, the life of our ſoules, by a conflagration, and a Phaetonian confuſion of all; he and his Parliamentary antagoniſts, would ſo bring us peace with loſſe of grace: as the ſonnes of Brutus brought peace to themſelves and Rome, in ſweating to bring in the banniſhed Taraquins; or as the Duke de Alva, that Storke amongſt Belgicke frogs, brought peace to the Netherlands, in labouring with Cardinall Greenvill to plant (with Biſhops) the Spaniſh Inquiſition; or as the Macedonian Phillip, proffered peace to the Athenians upon the delivery of their City Atlas, (the Speaker in their Parliament) Demoſthenes; which was as he told them, parallel to the Wolves, who would ſweare13 peace and truce with the Shepherds, upon condition they would hang up all their dogs, the keepers of them, and of their flockes. Alas poor Quackſalvers, you knew much the true cauſe of our war, or cauſe or cure for grace and peace, as if you ſhould cure an ulcerous rankling wound with oyles of mace or vitruo, without cutting out the poyſoned bullet: you are ſo drunke with wine and wrath, or prejudicate opinion, as Crowes with vomiting nuts, that you diſcerne of things that differ, as blinde men of colours, yea betwixt tranſcendent regality, and legality (keeping it Sea-like within its bounds and limits) as Midas with his Aſſes eares, betwixt Pans harſh and untuned pipe, and Apolloes harmonious lute. This mentall madneſſe, and intoxication of French Philters makes Mercury ſmile (to give you his Rhymes without reaſon) to ſee our Senatours curſed plots ſhould want ſucceſſe, and leave them ſots; in which to give him a Rowland for his Oliver, and to pen prick this windy bladder, or watery bubble, leſt he ſwell too big, even till he burſt like the fabled frog.
15But I leave deſcanting in Verſe, to plaine proſe, like plain dealing, (Poets being the beſt of writers, except Orators in proſe, by Sir Henry Savils cenſure;) only I take notice of his jeare, riſi ſucceſſupoſſe carere dolos, that their plots, as he blaſphemes their politicall proceedings ſhould want ſucceſſe; ſo had they beene ſucceſſefull hee had hugg'd them, as doli boni, & pia fraudes, very legall plots in his owne phraiſe: blinde buzzard, that meaſures the regularity or irregularity of an action by the ſucceſſe: ſo no doubt this Simplician had applauded the powder Treaſon, had it ſucceeded as much as Pope ſextus the aſſaſſinating of the French King, or Mariana the Pariſian maſſacre, or Cardan his Nero, and Cateline, or ſome the Sicilian evening ſong, in butchering the French, and Yorkes betraying of Devontree; Sinon of Troy, Zopirus of Babylon, Pope Clemens and the French Kings ruinating of the Templers, (as ſome Carnaliſts now juſtifie, the barbarous cruelties, and Canniballized inhumanities of the Iriſh wolves, lately devouring our Engliſh Proteſtants) becauſe of their good ſucceſſe: O Paſquill Mad-caps, and giddyheaded Ganders, to meaſure actions fame-worthy in their owne nature, to be blame-worthy becauſe of bad ſucceſſe; blame the preaching of the word then, becauſe it is to ſome the ſavor of death, as it was to Herod, Judas, Pharaoh, the unbeleeving Jewes and Gentiles; blame the Sunne, becauſe it hardens the clay, cauſeth weeds and tares to grow as well as fruits and corne, and makes dunghils to ſtinke; blame good ſeed, becauſe falling into ſtony and thorny ground, it brings forth no fruit; blame a skilfull Phyſitian, and his beſt phyſicke, becauſe it alwayes workes not wiſhed effects in ſome impatient patients, which effects muſt come from God, as we may ſee in the caſes of Hezekias and Aſa, 2 Chr. 16. 2 King. 20. for non eſt in medico ſemper relevetur ut aeger, bad cauſes oft producing good effects, as ex malis moribus bonae leges, good lawes proceeding from bad manners; as pearles, its ſaid, are got in the heads of ſome Serpents, yea Antidotes againſt poyſons, even from poyſonous ſnakes and newtes: And the Redemption of the world, by divine providence helpt forward by Judas his treachery, and the Jews cruelty, Acts 4. 27, 28. as the Lord gets glory in Juſtice or Mercy, in puniſhing or pardoning, even from the ſinnes of men, Rom. 5. 20. ſo on the contrary, good cauſes oft produce bad effects: as zealous preaching, like a good mother, produced bad daughters, in the undeſerved impriſoning of Paul, Silas, Jeremy, the beheading of John Baptiſt, the burning of Hierome of Prague, John Huſſe, Savinoriola, our Latimer, it coſting him his hearts blood, as he oft propheſied it would. 16Oh the madneſſe not only of this many headed beaſt the multitude, but of all other Brutized Carnaliſts, Moraliſts, Newters, papized, and ill-affected of all ſorts, who bellow againſt the Parliament, and gore them in the ſides, and toſſe them as mad Bulls of Baſan, on the hornes of their powers, becauſe their devoures and indeavours as yet want wiſhed and expected ſucceſſe; having eyes as quick as Linceus, or the Serpent Epidaurus to look at their reall or imaginary failings perhaps as men (they being neither Gods nor Angels, but men, ſubject to errors like Moſes, Aaron, David, Solomon, & the reſt, the beſt) and like Cocatrices and Baſilisks, poyſoning what they ſpy in their Heteroclite ſucceſſes: but being blind as moles in deſcerning what God hath done by them already (eaten bread being forgotten) in ſecuring the Kingdome from forreigne invaſion, in removing or obſtructing Achitophellized counſellours and counſells from the King, in preventing that maſſacre which was plotted for England, as well as Ireland, by Cardinall Barbarino Cimeus, the Popes Nuntio, and other ſanguinnolent agents here, diſcovered in Mr. Pryns Romes Maſter-piece, by ſecuring every mans propriety from a ſic volo, ſic jubeo, Dominus opus habet, chiefly from an overflowing and innundation of Popery, as it broke in upon us in many opened ſluces unſtopped, but dayly made wider, as any may ſee that is not purblinde, or ſhuts not his eyes againſt the Sunne.
And what though as is pretended, and as this Iſmalitiſh Mercury ſcoffes, that the Parliament hath an Army of Sectaries, though the Husbandmen perhaps were too ſupine, whilſt theſe tares were ſown by Jeſuits unſuſpected, undetected, camelionized into pretended Tradeſmen ▪ and Souldiers, Enthuſiaſtically inſpired, as Lay plebeian preachers; yet theſe Sectaries are not ſo ſtrongly radicated as Popery, nor ſo ſanguinnolent, and State-firing, nor ſo difficult to bee ſuppreſſed, being but like their primitive predeceſſors in all ages, nubiculae cito tranſenutes, cloud which will ſoon be blown over, felt we but once the Favonian winds and gales of a gracious-peace, beſides theſe Sects are not to bee aſcribed to the Parliament more then Goodwins ſands to Steutertons ſteeple, they being but as ill humours to be purged out, or as Kibes, Carbuncles, Botches, glaſſie eyes, and wooden legs in the body; no part of the body Politicall or Eccleſiaſticall; and ſuppoſe they be too glutinous and viſcous, as yet to be purged, yea that the ſons of Zerviah be as yet too ſtrong for thoſe of the houſe of David, Zach. 12. 10. yea ſuppoſe to ſpeake myſtically that Themiſtocles his young boy ſhould by degrees and gradations,17 ſway too much in Athens; yet our Parliamenteires are to be pitied as paſſives, not ſcoffed as actives, if in any thing expoſing them to the ſtars or ſpits of conſtruction, they be as ſome in a Coach carried or hurried, not in their owne naturall, but in a more coactive motion, as in ſome caſes (as I have found experimentally in my ſelfe and others) and as many can give the probatum eſt, a man as David once, yea a conglobed ſociety may be in ſuch ſtreights, 2 Sam. 24. 14 ſailing as it were betwixt the Scylla of ſome inconveniencies, & the Caribdis of ſome miſchiefes, that doe what he can with the improvement of all his beſt powers and parts, he ſhall ſplit upon one or other with ſome ſhipwracke, will he, nill he; like to him in the Fable, who held a wolfe by the eares, who if he held him longer would be ſure to bite him, yet if he let him goe, he would worry; and is it not with State Phyſitians thinke we, as with corporeall? the patient may be in ſuch a poſture by contrary diſeaſes, ſome from hot, ſome from cold cauſes, that their beſt skill and will knowes not ſo to cure one, but they muſt to their griefe, and nonpluſſing of Phyſicke increaſe the other, the ſalve being oft as ill or worſe then the ſore; and the medicine more pretious then the diſeaſe, dangerous.
But to trace this tripping Mercury further in his impudiating humor, he danceth without a piper, and cuts his croſſe capers & Levaltoes, as though he had a Welch harp, or Scotch bag piper tuned in ſuch Martiall ſtreyns as his heart could wiſh; our preſent frets being his mentall muſicke, he playes as a Porpoyce and a Dolphin, in our ſuppoſed ſtormes, and makes himſelfe merry (with that which makes every gracious heart ſorry) with the City murmuring, the Apprentices mutining, the Scots voting the Parliament Covenantcrackers, falſe, fraudulent, every one curſing them, ready to cut their throats, the Weſt and Wales, and all againſt them; and this is his ſandy and unglewed argument that therefore their cauſe is nought: he might as well have concluded as much againſt Elias when Ahab, Jezabel, the Prieſts of Baall, all Iſrael bowing to Baal, he thought himſelfe Bird alone, not one to ſtand for him, 1 King. 9. 14 and againſt Jeremy when the Fedifragous King, the fluctuate people, the perfideous Elders, the Prelaticall Paſhur, and all were againſt him, except one Blackamore, and he ſaw nothing but pikes, perils, impriſonments, death and danger; all being ſo adulterous and treacherous againſt him, that he wiſht for a wilderneſſe to lurke from them, Jer. 9. 2. cap. 20. 2. & 9. 10. and againſt Moſes and Aaron,18 againſt whom the people ſo oft murmured, and were ſo ſore incenſed, that they tooke up ſtones to ſtone them, Exod. 15. 24. cap. 16. 2. 3. Num. 20 3. cap. 21 5. Numb. 16. 41, 42. but chiefly againſt David, againſt whom as the triall of his faith, fortitude, patience and dependance on God, ere God ſettled him in his promiſed Kingdom, that he might firſt crowne his ſufferings (as he did Jobs patience, and Pauls perſeverance, 2 Tim. 4. 7, 8. and make him exemplary to all imployed by God in great workes, for his glory, and the good of a people) hee ſet not onely Saul againſt him to hunt him as a Partridge, but the Zephins, Achitophel, Doeg and his owne wife Micholl to mocke him, and Shemei to revile him, yea the very people to ſtone him, being oft in ſuch ſtraights, (greater then our Parliament ever yet) that hee thought there was but a ſtep betwixt him and death, 1 Sam. 20. 3. chap. 23. 16. chap. 24. 14. chap. 30. 6. Yea, might not this fellow have concluded as much againſt ſome of the German Henries, and Fredericks: fighting the Lords battailes, when one Antichriſtian Pope after another had excommunicated them, and armed their own Subjects againſt them: yet ſome of them for all this marvelouſly, and miraculouſly delivered, as were oft the Hugonites in France, Huniades in Hungare, Luther in Saxon, Queen Elizabeth here in England, the late Polſgrave (called the King of Bobemia) and millions more in Hiſtory, whom God preſerved and reſerved to better times, and to better ends and purpoſes, after he had pulled them as brands out of the fire, and brought them Daniel-like out of the very jaws of Lyons, and as his three couragious ſervants out of the very flaming furnace, where they were tried as pure gold, ere the Lord effected by them thoſe great workes of reformation, or preſervation of a people, for which he fitted them by many fiery trialls, and ſure if the Parliament ſtand for God, as he hath promiſed to ſtand for them, and to deliver them as all his true Members, Miniſters and Magiſtrates, out of all their troubles, and to honour them which honour him, Joſh, 1. 5. Heb. 12. 6. Pſal. 34. 18, 19. 1 ▪ Sam. 2. 30. Act. 18. 10. Eſay 43. 1, 2, 3. Though all the created principalities and powers in earth and hell were againſt them, they muſt proſper and flouriſh: if their work be of men, I muſt confeſſe the decree is againſt them, it will come to naught, Act. 5. 38 ▪ the branches that are not in Chriſt wither, Joh. 15. 6. But if their work be of God it cannot be overthrown, Act. 5; 39. who fight againſt it fight againſt God, as glaſſe tilting againſt braſſe, to their breaking, as waves ſurging and bluſtering againſt a rock, daſhing themſelves19 to froath and foame; omnes priminter divinitus, he that conſults with many Inſtances given by Melancton in his Poſtills, part, 3. p. 553. and Strigellius on the Pſalmes, pag 66. in Pſal. 8. ſhall ſee Gods hand fearfully on thoſe who have had heads, hearts, or hands againſt his Church: as alſo other Inſtances given by the ſame Author, in Pſal. 41. pag. 334. in Hezekias, Conſtantine, Obediah, Abdemelech, the widow of Sarepta, John Frederick the Duke of Saxony; and I may adde our Engliſh late Deborah, our Elizabeth, with many moe, friends of the Church, in hac vita glorioſe ornati, ever gloriouſly honoured and patronized in this life, which I preſcribe as a cordiall and cooler to our Senators, againſt the hot tongue poyſon of this Mercurialized ſonne of Beliall, who being more perfect in his lying, then in his Latin-tongue, tells us of the brave exploits of two turn-coats in Wales, Poyer and Powell in three times defeating the forces ſent againſt them, though I have it from the mouth of a credible Colonell, that being but one 100. or 2000. ſent againſt them, have driven them into their Cony-burrowes, their Caſtles (ſtronger then Tyrones old Forts of bogs, woods and mountaines) but I ſee in moſt lying and flying newes, moſt ſpeake not as the truth is, but as they would tune it, as they are affected and infected; but leaving this as triviall, that in which his ſerpentina quedam ſanies, his ſerpentine ſpirit ſhews it ſelf the moſt is; that as Sathans working tooles deſirous to caſt his Ataes ball, and Phaetonian flames betwixt the Scots and Parliament. This Bedlam blatters that they have voted them Covenant-crackers, falſe, and fraudulent in all their undertakings. A ſharpe fang'd Cur, indeed he bites deepe in taxation, if the clapper of his tongue were not looſe hung in his probation; venting but meerly like the eccho, an airy ſound, for it were better his tongue were cheeſe, and all the Cats in the Towne were nibling it, ere this were any truer then Aeſops fables, or Lucians Dialogues.
I hope our Parliament hath more care of credit with man, and confidence with God, then to breake that Covenant which is witneſſed and ſealed by oath before the great God of heaven, which even medea in euripides, calls Juramentorum cuſtos, the great Lord Keeper of oaths inviolable, moſt ſeverely alwayes puniſhing their infringers; as any that will but conſult Hiſtorians, chiefly Honicer his Theater of examples, our D. Beard in his Theater of Gods judgements, and Paul of Hitzin in his Ethicks, lib. 2. cap. 18, 20. ſhall ſee the fearfull juſtice of Earth and Heaven, falling upon Zedekias breaking ▪20 his ſworne fealty with Nabuchadnezzar, upon the Carthaginians, ſo oft in fringing their oaths with the Romans. One Hatto the Biſhop of Mentz at laſt eaten with Rats, by perjury betraying Albert the Marqueſſe of Bamburg, to Lodovick the third Emperour chiefly, on Paches the Athenian Captaine, killing himſelfe after he had by a falſe oath murthered Hippias, and won his beſieged City. One Laudiſlaus King of Hungary and Poland, who the yeare 1614. by the counſell of Cardinall Julian breaking his ſworne truce with Amurath the Turke, brought him into Europe ſeverely to revenge it, with the loſſe of his life and Crowne; as alſo of the great Macedonian Phillip, who by the judgement of Pauſanias periſhed ſo miſerably with all his blood, becauſe according to the proverb and practice of Liſander, he thought Peers and Princes were to be deceived with oaths, as children with bables and toyes; but I hope I need preſcribe no ſalve, where as yet I finde no ſore.
In his next morrice dance, this hobby-horſe neighes out prophane mirth, in the revolt of the Lord Inchequin from the Parliament, of whom I will onely interpoſe thus much:
Firſt, that to give him his due, he hath done acts worthy of a brave Gentleman, a pretented Proteſtant, and a Martialiſt, becauſe to the Iriſh, ſo long as he was himſelf tuned in a right key, as Tanibut ſometimes was to the French, and Huniades, and Richard the firſt to the Turks, Terror malae gentis, a terror to his wicked natives; but finis coronat opus, what is it to begin well, as did Pauls Galathians, Judas the Diſciple, Demas Pauls follower, Julian the Apoſtate, Nero in his quinquennium: the mutable Occebolius, and ſome Pernized weathercocks in our dayes, and to end ill: to make ſhipwracke in the haven, to give, like the Cow, a good meale of milke, and to throw it downe with her heeles; to weave and unweave a Penelopes web, ſince the end crownes every worke; and conſtancy next to conſcience is the grace of every great man, who would gaine and retaine the repute of a good man.
Secondly, his revolt is more diſtaſtefull to ſuch judicious ones as have obſerved his poſtures as he was active or paſſive, in that hee was not (as vox populi, which is not ever vox veri, hath reported him) in any great wants or exigents in defects of monies, ever held the very nerves and ſinewes of War, ſince he received as much as any in the Kingdome, large ſummes from the Parliament, beſides his conſiderable contributions from the greateſt part of the Province of Munſter; for I know the want of men, munition and monies,21 hath oft much diſtracted and diſtreſſed many Heroyick ſpirits, and put them upon ſtrange exigents and inconveniencies, when their ſilver muſicke was too long in tuning, and made them all frets.
Thirdly, I diſtaſte it the moſt, that he is joyned to the Rebells; but though I cannot ſay, as Noah of his ſonne, nec de•o melius putavi, that I never hoped better of him; for indeed, his flowry ſpring promiſeth yet a better harveſt then Popery: yet thus much I ſay, as I thought once of the great Ormond when he protected ſo many Rebells, to the no ſmall prejudice of the Proteſtants, and ſuffered ſome in Caſtles to flye out as Wood-cocks in a miſt, ſome officers who had them in a pinfold, being blinded with white and yellow duſt: So I have thought of Inchequin in ſome politicall reſpects, that at laſt tandem aliquando, Joſeph could not, would not forget his brethren, more then Queene Heſter could forget her people and kindred, Heſt. 8. 6. Nor more then a Catholicke Queene can forget her Catholickes, not lying for nothing in the boſome of a Proteſtant Prince. Yet notwithſtanding I perſwade my ſelfe he is ſo reſolute a Proteſtant, that Totman will not ſo far turne French, as that he will revolt to Papiſme; the grounds of my perſwaſion is this:
1. Becauſe his veſſell was ſeaſoned with the truth in his childhood, therefore its hopefull to ſavour of the tincture, quo ſemel eſt imbutare.
Secondly, his converſion from Popery was not coactive, as whipt to it when he was a ward, as by a violent motion, non trabendo ſed ducendo, but by a worke of illumination upon him in hearing of Sermons, therefore more probable to be more ſincere and permanent, it being very obſervable, that thoſe that are haled and drawne to any Religion by force or feare, are like Cytteron ſtrings too high ſtretcht, to ſtand long in tune without breaking (as Sigebert in his Chronicles tells us of ſome Jewes inforced to be baptized in Leo Iſaurus the third his time, preſently waſht it off againe, and returned like judaizing dogs to their owne vomit, the like did ſome Jewes in Ratisbone in Henry the 4 ▪ time, anno dom. 1086. as P. Diaconus relates in his Roman Hiſtory, lib. 11. and Tholoſanus in his Commonwealth, lib. 12. cap. 4 ▪ pag. 722. records the like, Pageants of ſome Jews in Spaine, anno dom. 694. and Cranzius in his Hiſtory, lib. 5. cap. 14. of ſome Vandals, who after the death of their Proteſtant Prince Gotſchalcus, revolted as ſowes to their wallowing, preſently to Paganiſme,22 but ex meliori luto finxit precordia Titan, it was not ſo with Inchequin.
Yet thus much I prognoſticate further, That as I hear, hee is ſtrongly Epiſcopized, this without queſtion was a great prologue to his Regalizing, as it is indeed judiciouſly obſerved, both by Melancton in his Poſtils, part I pag. 77. And Strigellius in his Chronicles, part. I. pag. 233. that as Princes doe accommodate Religion to the ſplendour of their Courts (as it was glorious to ſee my Lord Biſhop like a Pope in pompe, or a Cardinall with his traine: ſo amongſt moſt Courtiers and Nobles, there be ſome that even in their Religion, ſerviunt principium cupiditatibus, doe too much comply with the humours and inclinations of Princes, pinning their Religion on the ſleeves of Monarchs, to carry which way they will, as true or falſe, to heaven or to hell; as Pencer obſerves in his Chronologicall Lectures, anno 1570. how far both Peers and people ſympathized with Jeroboam in his Golden Calves.
Laſtly, I partly propheſie (though like Calchas or Caſſandra perhaps I be ſcarcely believed) that this confederacy of Inchequin, a Proteſtant, with the bloody Canniballized Popiſh Rebells, will bee no more ſucceſſefull, then the federacy or confederacy of Jehoſaphat with wicked Ahab, which we know the iſſue it had, 2 Chro. 18. 31. and how ſharply God reproved it, 2 Chron. 19 ▪ 2. even with a threatned wrath: for I believe Bucholcherus in his Chronicles, pag. 358. That Covenants made with the wicked, are both inviſa Deo, hatefull to God, & pernitioſa hominibus, dangerous to men: And he that hath bookes to read, and braines to underſtand, ſhall ſee this, not onely affirmed but confirmed in many inſtances both of Chriſtians and Pagans, by Melancions Chronology, lib. 1. pag. 6. by Strigellius in his Chronicles, part. 1. pag. 56. and his Common places, part. 3. pag. 414. as alſo by Chitreus on Geneſis pag. 282. and in his Chronicles of Saxony, lib. 14. pag ▪ 423. and by our Moderne Hiſtorians, our moſt judicious ▪ Guiccaronie in his Politicks, part. 2. pag. 29. & pag. 100. and Cominaeus in his paſſages lib. 2. pag. 52. betwixt the French Lewis and Charles, whither in this rapſody, for brevity, I refer my Reader, as alſo to Manl•us his Common places, p. 407. Strigenitius his third Sermon of the calling of Jeremy, pag. 18. and to Pencers Hiſtoricall Lectures, anno 1569. Decemb. 3. & 1570. Iuly 29. where any ſhall ſee Covenants made with Hereticks, Idolaters, men of ſtrange Nations, Natures, Religions, to be as proſperous uſually as for hens to hold leagues with hawkes, Iſraelites to joyne in affinities and compacts31 with Canaanites; as Doves with Eagles, and Sheepe with Wolves.
But once more to retrive my Sprung Woodcock, and to pounce him to ſome purpoſe; as the Poet ſaid, ſepe Jocum ſepeque bilem veſtri movere tumultus. I know not whether I ſhall more pitty Mounſier Mercury as a witty foole, or be angry with him as a profeſt enemy, as Paul ſaid of Elimas the ſorcerer, Acts 13. of all goodneſſe and grace; or as Peter of Simon Magus, in the very gall of bitterneſſe and bond of iniquity, Acts 8. Firſt in tearming the Rebells of Ireland Catholicks (he meanes good Catholick ſubjects as ever man hanged upon his hedge) and with theſe Catholicks forſooth, and the Lord Taffe, a profeſt polypragmaticall Papiſt, a great ſtickler in the laſt maſſacre in Ireland, and ſtill a firebrand and incendiary in both Climes, he tripudiates that Inchequin is to joyne againſt an Army of Sectaries: very good ſtuffe, Chriſt muſt be untrue, his verdict muſt not ſtand, Sathans kingdome muſt be divided by Mercuries divinity, his ſervants and agents for his helliſh Hierarchy, muſt like the brethren of Cadmus oppoſe one another, and as the Medianites thruſt their ſwords in the ſides one of another, Sectaries againſt Sectaries, Iriſh againſt Engliſh. 2. Or it may be he meanes the Papiſts in Ireland muſt (as they fought for the King before, under that colour) be imployed once more for the purging of the Temple from Independency and Presbytery, for the re-eſtabliſhing and re-planting of Epiſcopacy, for ſetting the petty Popes af Lambeth, London, Lincolne, and other parts, once more on Cock-horſe to ride to Dunſtable, or to the Devill, over the necks, and backs of all zealous, powerfull, and painfull preachers.
In concluſion for confuſion, they muſt forſooth reforme Religion, as Woolves heale and teare ulcerous and rotten ſheep; as clay and mire ſcoure veſſells brighter, as ſoot and inke waſh foule faces fairer; as Mercury heales green wounds, vinegar ſore eyes, the ſting of an Aſpe takes away the ache in the flea-blowes; all theſe the more increaſing maladies, miſeries, paines, and perplexities, this reforming being as though Verres and Guſman were appointed Judges to ſcoure their Circuits of Rogues and Thieves, as Claudius & Clodius, to reform adulterers, Meſſalina and Paſiphad, Curtizans Bawds and Concubines, by inflicting corrective mulcts upon them for their incontinency, and to read them directive Lectures for chaſtity.
But to ſtrike with the maine Hammer, reflect a little on Mercuries policie, as well as piety, and ſee what a wiſe and well-wiſhing24 worthy Patriot Mercury and his Mercurialized ones are to their Country, in that they would bring in under the conduct of Inchequin, now an Army of knowne, reall, forreigne Rebells from another Country, where they are fleſht in blood, to fight for their King forſooth, whom they love as I love their Pope, againſt his reall friends, his meere imaginary foes, the Weſtminſterians, whom Mercury marks for Rebells; bringing them in forſooth, into England to ſide with his Regaliſts againſt Round-heads, with as much wiſdome as the Carians to their coſt brought in Cyrus to end their Civill wars; as the Thebans called in the Macedonian Phillip to help them againſt the Phocians; as Duke Boniface brought into Affrick, Genſerick the King of the Vandalls againſt the Emperour Valens, as Leo the Grecian Emperour fetcht in the Turkes againſt the Bulgarians; as Laſcus called in Solyman the Ottoman into Hungary againſt Fardinand. Theodoſius, the Gothes againſt the Franckes; Stillico the Durgundians, and Swedes againſt the Gothes, Heraclus the Arabians againſt the Perſians, or the Spaniards in moderne times were brought into Scicily and Naples againſt the French; or as the laſt Caliph of Aegypt, called Sarracon, the laſt Sultan of Siria, into his Country againſt Almericus the ſucceſſour of Baldwin King of Ieruſalem, even with ſuch ſucceſſe as theſe, and many moe, which I could Hiſtorifie from Authours and experiments at this day, may we perhaps bring in for either divided party, either Iriſh, French, Spaniard, or Pope, or any forreigne Nation, as theſe recited felt to their coſt, to fiſh in our troubled waters, to catch ſilver Eeles in our muds, our bloods, like Buzzards to ſwapper at, and teare both Frog and Mouſe fighting, to ſucke our bloods, ſpunge our goods, poſſeſſe our ſeats, and once got in amongſt us, not to get out, more then pitch out of the bottome of a Can, ſcarce renſht out with ſilver ſtreams, running as clear as Tyne or Tweed: as he that will be fully poſſeſt of the prejudice of other ſtates, as the glaſſe of our fates in fetching in forreigne Nations to end our controverſies, as the Wolfe to be umpire betwixt the Sheep and the Aſſe, let him read the verdicts of Polititians, and the Tragedies of theſe recited, with numerous moe. In Bucholcherus his Chronology, pag. 389. In Melanctons Chronicle, lib. 4. pag. 301. 443, 444. In Strigellius his Chronicle part. 1. pag. 207. part. 2. pag. 60. In Crutreus his leſſer Chronicle, Amor. 93, 94, 95. pag. 44. In Tholoſanus his Common-wealth, lib. 11. cap. 3. pag. 656. In Bodius Commonwealth, lib. 5. c. 5. pag. 888. In Patritius his Common-wealth, lib. 9. •it. pag. 396. As alſo in heatheniſh Authors, chiefly Polibus, lib. 1. p. 15, 16. 25And Heroditus l. 6. p. 163. & l. 7. p. 207. which Authours I alleadge as on a ſudden, in two dayes I recollected them, both to diſcover the folly of this frivolous Mercury, in ſpinning a web to catch Grandees, with meere rocke and ſpindle of a naturall wit, without any yarne of reading or judgement, as alſo to muzle or puzle him from barking any more againſt, either the Parliament or the Authours, I alleadge throughout this Rapſody, the Champions againſt his cavills and ungrounded calumny.
In the reſt of his Sarriſmes, this Don quipot fights as it were with Rams and poaſts, and Wind-mills, for Giants, I meane with his owne meere airy and windy conceits, as the Cat playes with her owne tayle, chiefly he fights as with his owne ſhadow, when as a mad man he caſts his brands at King Noll, whom his fellow Melancholicus, or his alter ego, his ſecond ſelfe, plainly calls King Crumwell, a man that is not in rerum natura, not ſo much as in the orbe of the Moone, nor on the center of the Earth, within the ſphere of our knowledge; for although many meaner men for gifts and place, then the Martiall Crumwell, even ſome Country Peaſants, by ſimilitude of phyſiognomies, have uſurped the names of Kings, as one Wooldeman a Miller in Marchia, in Pencers Chronicles, lib. 5. pag. 60. and in Lauclavius his Turkiſh Hiſtory, pag. 291. and a Pſeudo ſinerdis in Perſia, who went long under the name of the ſonne of Cyrus, in Juſtin. pag. 23. lib. 1. and in Heroditus lib. 3. 90. and one Phillip in Theſſalia, a meane Plebeian in the third Punicke war, related by Florus in his Epitome, lib. 49. 50. & 52. and a Peaſant in Saxony, a falſe Fredericke, anno 1262. in Cuſpiman pag. 440. alſo we know in Henry the ſeventh dayes, what broyles were kindled by Lambert and Perkin, Warbecke, vulgar youths pretented to be of the blood Royall; yet that ever Crumwell, or his fame-worthy Generall, called or counted themſelves Kings, or were ſo held or reputed by their Souldiers, ſhall be proved in Platoes great yeare, or in the Callends of the Greeks when all Priapized Prieſts, and Friars, and all the veſtall Nuns of Venus, live chaſtely together; or when Jeſuitized Papiſts, what ere they pretend ſhall love a Proteſtant Prince ſo wel, unleſſe moulded downe-right their creature, as to ſpare him in the Baſilicall veynes, more then the two French Henries, ſo long as they had ever at hand a junior Faux, Rivillack Parry, Lopus or Lupus, with a ponyard, a poyſon, or a piſtoll in his hand, as Treaſon in his heart.
In his next ſtreines, which deſerve necke ſtreyning, as though he34 were an Incubus or Succubus, or one of the Colledge of Bird or Merlin, and Mother Shipton, or were ſome Witch, or Conjurer, or had ſome Mephiſtophiles or familiar ſpirit, as once Doctor Fauſtus, Cornelius, Agrippa, Simon Magus, and other Nicromancers; or at leaſt were ſome judiciall Aſſ-ſtronomer, Aſſ Colens, Aſtra: conſulting with the ſtarres, or at beſt ſome Familiſt, and muſhrump Enthuſiaſt, as once John a Leidan, and Munſter his Prophet; he takes upon him to propheſie, ſepe malum hoc nobis predixit ab ilice cornix) as ominouſly and fatally, as the prognoſticks of any ominous Scritchowle, croaking Raven, or howling dog; yea with as much confidence as any bleſſing, white Witch, Gypſie or Fortune-teller of ſtrange and heavy newes, that we both have it, and muſt have from France, Scotland, Ireland, Wales, every part of the Kingdome, and the vertuall Iſland to: more ſpecially as though he ſhould cry, the Fox gives you warning, and I give you warning to take heed of your Geeſe: this Iack Iugler, or Hocus, Pocus, ſhootes off a terrible warning-piece, like a Balaams curſe, a Papall excommunication comming out, or a Brutum Fulmen, to take heed of the 28. of June, for 28. was like to prove a fatall number, to all Parliamentarians, ſuch as theſe dies nefandi, theſe unlucky dayes which the Romans held as fatall, in which Caeſar was ſtabb'd in the Senate, and in which they loſt ſo much blood and honour in the battells at Canna and Thraſimen, but mira Cannat non credenda Poetae, your Almanack is held to be meerly like your ſelfe, a Mercurialized liar, and you are thought to ſtudy onely Errapater; for when did you pry into Gods Arke, or were admitted into Gods Cabinet-counſel? If Grandees hold you fitter to be of their Privy (as Sco•gan once to the French King) then of their Privy-counſell, and if you ſcoffe at Plebeians, for perking from plowes and ſhops into Moſes his chaire; how dare you perke into Gods chaire, to reveale his ſecrets lockt in his owne decree: ſure as there is a•eaſting Epitaph of one Fiddle, That the one and twentieth day of June, John Fiddle he went out of tune: ſo the eight and twenty day of Iune, thy Cuckowes note goes out of tune. Much I know the Platoniſts, and Pithagoreans, have aſcribed to numbers, and to their dayes, yea yeares fatall, chiefly to their Climactericalls in their revolutions of ſevens and nines, ominous in the falls of great Peeres and Princes; as much at large is ſaid for numbers by Cornelius Agrippa, de occulta Philoſophia, lib. 3. and many inſtances are given by Levinus L•mnius in his ſecond Booke of the ſecrets of Nature, cap. 32. pag. 381. and by Ranzovius35 in his Climactericall yeares, pag. 227, 228. & ſeq. Patritius alſo in his Common-wealth, lib. 5. tit. 7. pag. 234. interpoſeth much to this purpoſe; and for my poore part, I have read how fatall the twenty eighth yeare hath been to many great ones, Atropos then cutting ſhort the thread of the lives of Phillip King of Spaine, father to Charles the fifth, of Lodovicke the ſixt, Lamdgrave of Thuringo, of Oſwald an Engliſh King, ſonne to Acha, ſiſter to Edmund call'd the Saint; of Cardinall Hipolitus medices, at thoſe yeares poyſoned of C. Caligula, Caeſar, ſonne to Germanicus ſtabb'd with thirty wounds, of Iohn Medices, father to that great Coſmus Duke of Hetraria ſlaine with a Canon; as alſo of Perſius the Satyricall Poet, Daniel Gricaeus, Hierom Vrſinus, and many moe, who in the prime and April of their yeares, at the age of twenty eight yeares, acting ſhort parts on the worlds ſtage, were then ſtrucke non-plus by death, moſt by a violent rather then a naturall ſtroke. But for any great diſaſters that have fallne on the twenty eight day of June, I have not ſlept with the Lune: Nor am I verſt ſo in the Skies, To vent with Mercury loud lyes.
But theſe are but the off-ſcums of the wit of this junior Rombus, this fritter of fraud, this ſeething pot of iniquity (as I could pay him home in his owne coyne, in retorting jeaſts as ſharpe as the teeth of a Pike, to nip this Gudgeon) at beſt theſe are but ludicra genii, vel ingenii, the ſpots of his wit, the playing but the Buffon, or the Monkey, to make himſelfe and others ſport, with his, Come a loft Jack an Apes with a whim wham: but in his rhyme-doggerills, which in them have no jot of rhyme nor reaſon, like ſnow in June, and Harveſt out of ſeaſon; in theſe his toothed Satyrs, on his Epitaphs, or nipping-taphs, as the Countryman miſ-called them, which the malitious momiſt makes on our Parliament men ere they be dead, (who perhaps may live to eat of the Gooſe which grazed on the grave of this Gander of Gotham) in theſe he ſhewes himſelfe in his colours indeed, like the devill in his hornes, there he toſſeth them on the pike of his pen, as a baited Royſton Bull, the valerous Maſtives; there he acts the parts not of a Davus onely to diſturb all, but of a Demon a devil to deſtroy all, as homo homini demon, he verifies in his damned deſires, that one man is a devill to another in boyling wrath, like wilde fire, and the coals of juniper, ſcarce quenched by dead aſhes: for he ſo far like a ſnarling Fox ſhews his tongue and his teeth, when he is coopt in his chaine, that he cannot worry as he would, that if he could he would ſevire in28 manes, tyrannize over their very deaths, as the Greeks which abuſed Hector; and the Papiſts (in acts fitter for Wolves and Hienaes then Chriſtians) in digging up the dead bodies of Paulus Fagius, and of Peter Martyrs wife; for whereas in his other Satiricalls, (his Satyrae ſatirae) he ſtings like a Serpent (as its ſaid of a Serpent that eats a Serpent) in his deteſtable Epitaph, he proves a Dragon ſpitting wilde-fire; beſides ſome rough paſſages betwixt Hierom and Ruffinus, Chriſoſtome, and Ephanus, Eraſmus, and Julius Scaliger, Luther and Caroloſtadius, more indeed then well became grave Divines, and modeſt Chriſtians. I have read invectives as ſharp as raizours, and cutting ſwords of Saluſt, againſt Tully, Tully againſt Mark Anthony, Varres and Cateline, Eſtchines againſt Demoſthenes, and of latter times of Cocleus and Bolſecus againſt Luther and Calvin, of Himmimus Ecardus, and moſt ridged Lutherans againſt Calviniſts, more then againſt Papiſts; of Stapleton in his Promptuary, Faverdentius upon Jude, Kelliſon in his ſcurrilous Survey, and moſt Romiſh Rabſhekahs againſt all Proteſtants, chiefly of Turner in his orations againſt Queene Elizabeth: but as if the ſpirits of all theſe in a Pithagorean tranſmigration, with all the Satyricall ſpleen of Lucian againſt the learned (called the Cerberus of the Muſes) and of Tom Naſh againſt the three Harvies, marching as though their guts with his Gunpowder tearmes, were infuſed into his eldeſt ſonne of Sathan, as Polycarpus called Marcion, he ſo ſympathizeth with Sathan in his falſe accuſations; all theſe concurring as one (as the venom of all Serpents in one Baſiliske) they could not expreſſe worſe then he is in his damnable Epitaph upon the fictious deaths of the chiefe Ephoriſts of our ſtate; for like an Atheiſt little heeding, nor believing the Epithites and Titles, with which the Scriptures honour them, as of Rulers, Heads, and Elders of the people, 1 King. 4. 1, 2. Num. 11. 16, 17. Deut. 33. 10. Privy-counſellours to Kings, as ſometimes to Aſhuerus, Heſter 1. 3. and to the Kings of Iſrael, Jer. 26. 10. and conjoyned with them in their Edicts, Ionas 3. 7. nor regarding the honourable names of Patritians given to ſuch as they in Rome, of Ephoriſts in Lacedemon; of Senators in Venice, of great Dons in Spaine, of Peers in France; of pillars, ribs, ſides, foundation, ſtrength, of the Empire in Germany; by the Bull of Charles the fifth, Cap. 3. 12. 24, 26. all theſe honourable and authoritative Titles, being ſpurned of ſuch blatrant beaſts as this malevolent Timoniſt, as dogs and hogs ſpurne pearles, he ſqueezeth his wits, pumpes his braines, digs as low as hell for gunpowdered calumnies, and borrowes29 moe galling, girding, ſtigmatizing opprobries to caſt in their Faces, and on their places, then ever Tailours, Poets, Players, Perriwig-makers, and Courtiers, borrowed fantaſticalities, or Jewes and Jeſuits new invented poyſons; or as our new Shakers and Seekers, new invented Hereſies and Sects of blacke Pluto himſelfe. Oh how he roares as in a Pumpe, though in other paſſages this hot Gameſter play all his trickes at noddy, ever turning up knave oth' Clubs, yet here he trumpes no leſſe then Treaſon, and playes all his prankes at Loadum, or Loadhome, loading our wiſeſt, & worthieſt Senatours, with the baſe and bloody imputations of ambition, rebellion, pride, luſt, murther, ſacriledge; and what not? as give the devill an inch, and hee'le take an ell, over ſhooes, over bootes in villany; now that he is in his Rope-rhetoricke in a high way march (like railing Jeſuits from Tiber to Tyburne, up Gallows gate, and downe Hemp-ſtreet) he cannot get out, he can no more be got out of his tract, then a Carriers horſe in his way to Dunſtable, or Dublin, or the devills Inne, where he intends to take up his lodging: hence he bites them further with his Theonine teeth, ſharper then Foxes and Badgers, and more poyſoned then the teeth of Vipers and Adders, and ſets his brands and imiſtions upon them of grand Impoſtors, perjured Knaves, out-veying any, otherwiſe Newgate-bird, Pick-hatch, Shoarditch, or Turnball-ſtreet Cockatrice, or the moſt hot-mouthed Scold, and black-mouthed curſing Witch, in all the devills Territories; ſuch blacke and baſe ſtinking ſtuffe he vomits, as would make the Devill himſelfe, the blacke Dog of Hell, ſicke to licke it up: for my part, it ſmells worſe to me, or to any right naſuted man, then any Fox or Fowmart, yea then any carrion, or aſſafaetida, as any may read what the blawant beaſt roares out in his reaſonleſſe raging rhymes, in aſperſions more falſe and foule then ever were caſt upon Themiſtocles and Socrates in Athens, on Cato himſelfe the marrow of Juſtice, and the two Scipioes and other Patriots in Rome oft queſtioned by calumniating emulating ſpirits even in the Senate (as well as ours now) yet ever came fairely or ſquarely off, and bore the Bucklers (as ours may doe) and then rumpantur ilia Codri.
But to conclude, I retort theſe his raſcally raylings, with Epithites of honour, yea with this Epitaph of fame, if they ſhould periſh in their projects and proſecutions of the common good, incuria & injuria temporum; by the ungratefull and ungracious times: yet this Encomium is fitter to be ingraven on their graves, then his Roguiſh Rhymes.
And ſo I leave thee, and all thy croaking frogs and ominous Owles and Ravens of thy baſe, blacke, and bloody feather, chiefly thy Comraide Mercury Bellicus and Melancholicus, ſince as ſtriking two Wood-cocks with one bolt, in putting a hook in thy noſe I alſo hook them, you hanging together in one ſubject, like burs, as you deſerve to hang like bells; or reaſty Bacon, much better for hanging: for I propheſie, if you hold on to vent your invenomed gals as you do, your libelling lines may cut ſhort the lines of your loathed lives, dabit Deus his quoq ▪ fluvem, and then you may ſing or ſigh your Lacrimae per varios caſus, per tot diſcrimina rerum, tendemus in laqueum: